You know, I’ve become very boring. I haven’t done a Chris-ism in awhile and I haven’t done a Nigerian Scam in a much longer time. I’ve been saving this on in my email for quite some time and finally got around to answering it. Here’s the scam email I most recently got:

Good day,

My name is George Jones, currently serving in the military in Irad. As you know we are being attacked by insurgents everyday and car bombs.

We managed to move funds belonging to Saddam Hussein!s family. The total amount is US$18 Million dollars in cash, mostly 100 dollar bills. We want to move this money to you, so that you may invest it in a good luractive investment project for all of us including yourself to benefit from the project.

We will take 65%,while you take the other 35%. Your participation is to receive the funds acting on our instruction to pick up the funds on our behalf as soon as we move it out of Iraq.

We planned using diplomatic means to move the money out of Iraq by enjoying the security immunity attached through this means

If you are interested I will send you the full details,as my job is to find a good partner that we can trust for receivership of the money.

Can I trust you? When you receive this letter, kindly send me an e-mail with this E mail address:

[deleted]@yahoo.com signifying your interest including your personal data that has to include telephone/fax numbers for quick communication

Respectfully,

George Jones Jr.

And my response to this nonsense:

George, I’m speechless. Never before has a celebrity approached ME for help. I don’t know what to say. I’ve got all your music. I heard that the military raised the minimum age for enlistement, but I didn’t think they had lost their mind!!

It must be quite the culture shock to go from singing “He Stopped Loving Her Today” to “He Stopped Carrying That RPG Today(After I Blew His Brains Out).” I know you didn’t sing that last one, but if you want you can use the title for your next single free of charge. By the way, you’re doing great work over there. Keep it up. I heard Al Zarqawi has been killed, is that true? Did you kill him or did he just trip on an IED and hit his head on the front sight post of his AK-47?

Anyway, I had heard there was a lot of Saddam’s money that soldiers were finding and bringing back. I’d like to help, but I’m a business man. I just don’t think 35% is enough of an incentive for me to help you. I think we should be partners in this. I realize you did all the finding and hiding of the money, so I’m willing to give you the majority still. But, I’d like at least 45% for my troubles.

We’re talking about the possibility of me getting caught with this. $9 million is still a lot of money and if you invest it correctly in Al Paca stocks you can double it in no time. If you agree to the 45% split, then just get back with me and let me know how to help.

I could ship you some Beenie Babies with the stuffing removed that you could stuff the cash into. I can also eat a bunch of Tootsie Rolls and send you the wrappers. You could roll up all the bills and send the “tootsie rolls” back to me. Customs will never know, they’re too busy looking for counterfeit M&Ms.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a phone or fax. I’m not even allowed to have one since I got into a fight with a phone back in 1996. You see, cordless phones were gaining popularity and I still had a traditional one. The guy was trying to tell me that cordless was better. I told him they didn’t serve a dual purpose. He didn’t know what I was talking about until I whacked him upside the head with a cordless phone. I asked him if that hurt and he said no and wanted to know my problem. The problem with cordless is that it isn’t very heavy. So, then I hit him with the handle of a standard phone and he passed out. Next thing I know, I’m in prison for 2 years and banned from ever using a phone. Lucky for me, they didn’t envision the usefullness of the internet because now I make all my calls on it.

David Sneakers

We’ll see how long I can keep him going.