A SOLDIER'S PERSPECTIVE
THE WEB'S LEADING MILITARY BLOG SINCE 2004
Newsweek wants you to think so. However, the ground truth, which isn’t mentioned ANYWHERE in the article, proves quite the opposite.
The entire article is written about the marriage relationship of CPT Brad Velotta and his wife Jodi. The author focuses on the fact that this family is on the brink of divorce. The problem as I see it is a simple matter of miscommunication. Both sides seem to forget that the other is dealing with a lot of stress and they aren’t looking for ways to SERVE each other. Jodi even admits that “she’ll get so mad she just has to get it off her chest with e-mail after e-mail.” That doesn’t make a lot of sense.
The article is geared towards trying to convince the reader that the Iraq War needs to be over because it’s ruining families. To end the article, they use a quote from Jodi: “They need to come home. This needs to come to an end because it’s tearing families apart.”
Each year, the Army releases figures about the divorce rate in our service. The reports generally come out in January, so the latest report we have is from 2005. I don’t think it would be a stretch to say that this year is not nearly as bad as last year. It’s probably easy to say it’s also not as good. However, according to the report released in January 2006, the divorce rate among Army officers DROPPED 61% after a steady rise during the previous 5 years.
In fiscal 2003, the Army reported fewer than 7,500 divorces; in 2002, just over 7,000, and in 2001, about 5,600.[1]
It would appear that 9/11 had more to do with the divorce that Iraq does. Last year, 1,292 officers got divorced as opposed to 3,325 in 2004. While the enlisted divorce difference wasn’t as drastic, it was reduced from 7,152 in 2004 to 7,075 last year.[2]
Deployments are difficult on families; I won’t deny that. The military recognizes this and has numerous programs to counteract the force pulling on marriages due to military duties. We have Family Readines Groups, psychologists, chaplains and fellow spouses to rely on for help. Most FRG’s take their duties very seriously when their spouses are deployed. Generally, the only ones who don’t benefit from these services are the ones who don’t take advantage of it.
I understand that the purpose of Newsweek’s “War Stories” is to share the stories of individual soldiers. I truly hope that they are balanced in their reporting and highlight a couple who’s marriage was actually strengthened by their deployment. Personally, my deployment made me realize how much I love my wife and can’t live without her. Our marriage is 200% better than it was in 2002 when I left. But, we worked on it. It wasn’t all roses and kool-aid, but we made it through.
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![[UPDATE] The “Face” of Military Dating Scams – The Wall of Shame](http://militarygear.com/asp/wp-content/themes/LondonLive/thumb.php?src=http://militarygear.com/asp/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/2.jpg&w=53&h=41&zc=1&q=100)
Military Dating Scams (More Nigerian Scammers)
LOL imagine that this scammer actually said if you dont know anything
[UPDATE] The "Face" of Military Dating Scams - The Wall of Shame
@ anonn this one was easy to figure out this liar basically tell where
[UPDATE] The "Face" of Military Dating Scams - The Wall of Shame
@ anonn still not sure why you are using my username but anywho great
Anatomy of a Military Dating Scam
i would love to see what pics he has sent you.....he has started email
Terri
Well, considering that I work with military couples every day in my job at Fort Hood, plus I’m dealing with SNAFU being deployed, I’ll make some comments here.
What I’m seeing here at Fort Hood is that many of the clients we see, that are currently having problems in their marriage, usually were before the deployment. Your’re very right CJ, WORKING on the marriage TOGETHER is the key. Only one person in the relationship can’t fix it. It takes both of them working together to fix the problems that existed both before and after the deployment. I see a whole lot of very young spouses, who had no clue that being married to someone in the military involved them being deployed for long periods of time. A lot of them, come up with numerous excuses to try to get their spouses returned early from deployment or to cause them to not be deployed at all.
You’re very right CJ, we have numerous programs in place at EACH military base to help couples and families deal with deployments and the stressors that brings to a family. BUT, they have to sign up and attend these programs in order to benefit from them. I’m employed by a contractor who provides some of these services as a part of ACS (Army Community Services), such as Relationship Enrichment Classes, Communication Classes, Stress and Anger Management Classes as well as Relationship Retreats, to name a few of the classes we offer. WE have social workers right on post, counselors and Chaplains. The services are there to help address these issues. It’s up to the famiies to take advantage of what’s offered, because it’s free of charge to them. Binging the soldiers home now isn’t going to change the problems in a marriage. Taking advantage of the free services available through the mililtary will.
Okay……. I’m off my soap box now……
sue
CJ, I’m sure the facts and figures are correct. But like Terri said, the marriages that are falling apart had problems to begin with. I am on my 6th Soldier now that I am walking through the process of a divorce and every one of them has had to make the realization that the spouse that left them, wasn’t there for them in the first place. There are many reasons for it, but they all boil down to a guy on deployment either just as he is leaving or just after he has left, finding out that he has been replaced. These are not problems that magically appeared when the deployment occurred. What I have found is that the guys are unaware of any problems, until this happens. Probably because there is no communications.
My concern is the devastating effects on the Soldier and his performance in the field. When a guy has nothing but bad stuff coming from home and he is in a job where you have to be in the game 24/7, there is no room for thinking about things like that. It can cost lives. And with all do respect, I have had several guys tell me now that they have asked for help, and no one wanted to hear it, or could do anything for them, including the Chaplains. They are told things like “Buck up”. And left to cope on their own. And going up the chain of command as they are supposed to just pisses people off and then their duty assignments change. So, I’m finding it real hard to tell them to go to their Chaplains or higher ups but I do, because that’s what they should be able to do with out impunity. But in actuality, can’t. This has just been my experience.
I have also been told that they have talked with someone at Family Services and the programs that they need aren’t available at the base that is close to them and they would need to drive more than 3 hours to another base. And it’s different for the Guard than it is for career.
Terri I would love to talk to you.
Terri
Sue, I’m available to talk at anytime. I know we’re not supposed to post our contact information here, but CJ has the information on how to get hold of me both by email and phone, and I don’t have a problem with him giving that info to you so that you can contact me.
I know that at least at Fort Hood, we’re available for ALL military personnel, even National Guard and Reserve, as well as retired military. If we don’t have a particular class scheduled when someone calls, we’ll get one set up, and we have a list of local community resources that are available to the soldiers as well that we give them.
I know that in the battlefield setting, we even have people in place to handle problems. Some are soldiers who’ve volunteered to take on the extra duties and others are civilians such as myself. There of course aren’t as many servces avaiable in that setting, but they are in place and are supposed to be made available to the soldiers there. It sounds to me like some of the chain of command are dropping the ball. Sometimes the chain of command are very young and may be in their first command assignment and aren’t aware themselves what services are in place and available for their soldiers. I do know here that for the most part the command both here on post and those deploying or deployed take this seriously and refer the soldiers where they need to go. Sometimes with the young commanders, someone from Family Advocacy has to explain to them what services are available for their soldiers. In our ffice, we go out to the chain of command on a regular basis and network and let them know what programs we offer.
Terri
One thing that I forgot to mention that’s available to ALL branches of the Military, as well as National Guard, Reserves (regardless of whether they’re currently activated or not) and their families is Military One Source. If a soldier or their family member is in need of counseling, Military One Source will set them up with up to 6 counseling sessions with an Off-Post provider, at no cost to them. This option is available to military members and gives them an avenue to get the services they need without having to go through those on post. If the soldier for some reason is concerned about their chain of command finding out about them seeking counseling, this is an excellent option, as it is confidential and their chain of command is not notified that they have sought counseling, or if they’re in an area where there is not a military installation nearby. They have people available 24/7 and can be reached by calling 1-800-342-9647
Patriot
Sue, EVERY military post, especially Army posts, have this program. I’m going to shop short of calling anyone a liar. However, let’s just say I don’t think they tried very hard or didn’t look in the right places or *gulp* never asked. The programs are there.
I’ll agree that there is a stigma to seeking any mental help, but if fixing a marriage is important to me, I don’t give a gosh darn about stigma. My marriage is more important that being thought of as “hard”. It’s called priorities and we soldiers need to have them in the right place.
Carole
You are correct, CJ. Marriage requires a lot of work and commitment. And Terri is correct — one person can’t do it alone. I’ve been married 43 years (Gosh, that sounds awful!) and it still requires some work. I think too many people get married with the thought in mind (maybe not consciously) that divorce is easy if things don’t go the way they expect.
CJ
Carole, you are my inspiration. CONGRATULATIONS!!
Chad
Good job CJ. Write about a controversial topic. LOL!!
Being married is hard. I know because I failed once and am succeeding at another (1st anniversary around the corner). Now some may say that I am still on or in my honeymoon stage but I will tell you now that we have a blended family of 5 kids and 2 parents. 5 children come in and out of my home during the week as they spend time with their other parent. If there were any signs of it not working for sure by now, I would gladly say so.
Now, top that “marriage is hard” even for a civilian thought with one of the spouses being in the military and then top it off with a deployment and I don’t see how it couldn’t be hard and why some wouldn’t fail. There are programs out there to help military families. Being a military family is “weird” already and doesn’t fit the “normal” model but what the heck is normal??
Quote from sue –> Probably because there is no communications.
That is the most important key to a successful marriage. Bottom line.
Amen Patriot.
Patriot
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, “It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.”
He addressed the man,
“Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”
Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?
Carole
The first 20 are the toughest, I think. After that, it’s all downhill.
Jodi
Hello-I am, Jodi Velotta, the wife of the US Army Captain. The Newsweek article was an opportunity to speak the truth and how stressful war and raising a family during war really is. The problem is that most people want to make things seem as though everything is just great, when the fact is that it is just “tough”. I love my husband and support his career. There are some of you out there that are the elite as far as relationships go. I was a voice for many as you are a voice for many. Life goes on and you should too. We are all together now and are greatful that he brought his soldiers home to their families.
Marriage is work with or without “war”. Tell me something I don’t know and then we can talk.
Jodi
Lastly,
Find a book that exists, that is titled, “A Book on How to Deal with War and Family for Jodi Velotta”. When you find it let me know 3 years ago!