There’s an unintended consequence of deployments and military obligations that take one away from his or her family. That consequence is the stronger bond of love and connection for most, but the “straw that broke the camel’s back” for others.

According to the most recent statistics, only 3% of military marriages end in divorce in spite of the war. Contrast that with a reported 31% percent in American society (down from a high of almost 46% during the 80s, reportedly). When you’re deployed, you recognize the role that your significant other plays in your life. You realize how important they are to you. Even if things weren’t all that great, troops tend to reflect on the good times and the reasons they got married to begin with.

Coming home from a deployment or separation is like falling in love all over again. It’s a chance to start over and leave behind the petty arguments you may have had before leaving.

The majority of married Americans don’t realize how good they have it being able to see their spouse every night. I miss being able to cuddle under the sheets or just knowing that if I need someone to talk to, I can roll over and whisper into her ear. I also recognize that, as a husband and father, my wife has a huge responsibility in caring for the kids and keeping the household running. She handles school, homework, after school activities, parent/teacher conferences, girl scouts, cub scouts, dance, etc. She pays the bills, calls in work orders, hangs up on telemarketers, and keeps the house orderly. She does all this without me many times – sometimes for months on end. And most of the time, she does it without really complaining (of course, the kids end up being “my kids” a lot while I’m gone).

I miss being able to look her in the eyes and just say “I love you.” I hate asking how her day went because if it didn’t go well, there’s nothing I can do about it but listen. Trying to make it better usually doesn’t help. But, in the end (provided I get to come home), I’ll get to start over [again] and be a better husband and father.

Unfortunately, even Soldiers tend to fall back into the rut and start taking things for granted. I like to think that to some degree, I’ve steadily gotten better about being a husband and father. I say “I love you” a lot more than I used to. I never miss an opportunity to tell my wife how beautiful I really think she is (she really is a hottie!!). I know that sometimes she may not believe me, but it’s really how I feel. Prior to my first deployment, I didn’t appreciate how lucky I was. I was very selfish and set in my ways. In some ways, I still am.

There’s a line in the movie “Family Man” with Nicholas Cage (Jack) and Tea Leoni (Kate) where Jack is in bed staring intensely at Kate the way every man should look at his wife. Kate’s asks, “How can you do that?” “What?” answers Jack. “Look at me like you haven’t seen me every day for the last 10 years,” she replies.

As a Soldier, I haven’t had the opportunity to look at my wife every day for the past almost 12 years we’ve been married. We were even separated more than half the time we were dating before getting married. We’ve been separated probably about 40% of the time since then. And every time I look at her, I hope she feels like I’m looking at her for the first time and that she knows I’m thinking of how lucky I am to have such a beautiful wife that I love and miss very much.

I guess my advice is this: Men (CJ) – love your wife and cleave unto her. Make her the priority in your life. Make her feel that she is more important than anything else in your life – your friends, your hobbies, your drinking, your sports, etc. Remember the reasons you married her in the first place and put yourself back in time to that point.

For those that are Christians:
1 Corinthians 7:3 – “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence”
Ephesians 5:25 – “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it”

Now that I’ve mastered SAYING it, I need to master SHOWING it . Stepping off my soapbox now.