A SOLDIER'S PERSPECTIVE
THE WEB'S LEADING MILITARY BLOG SINCE 2004
Lately I have been plagued by several memories. I am not really sure what has brought them on. That isn’t totally true. I have an idea of what has brought them on, but to talk about them is not the most easy thing to do. After writing the book, doing all the interviews, and talking to many friends that have come back from Iraq, I have had in my head that I am OK. I am not having problems. What little PTSD I have I can handle myself. AND for the most part, I have. Running a truck with my friend from August till January helped me get over most of the tension of driving at night. I learned how to stop the flash back and visions that I would get. And if I couldn’t stop them, he was there to take over there driving.
But now, it is different. I have been home for almost a year now. One would think that anything I experienced over there would have settled down by now, but t hasn’t. Heck the last time I was shot at was way back in August 2004, 3 1/2 years ago. But there are times that I feel like it happened just the other day. I am scared to tell anyone of this because I don’t want them to think I am going crazy, and I don’t want their pity. But how do ya get over it? I wish I knew.
I took an over the road driving job even though I didn’t want to go back to driving over the road. I really wanted something local, something where I could be home on the weekends and through the house during the week at the very least. I would prefer to have something that I could be home every night and the weekends, but those jobs are hard to get. The people that have them don’t want to give them up, and I don’t blame them.
But I took this job over the road for a company that I knew had slow trucks because I thought I could handle it and because it would be “regional”. Once I got to orientation, I found that regional was PA south. That was more than I really wanted, but was told it could be worked out.
The company has Peterbilt’s and Volvo’s. I hoped that I would get a Pete, but I ended up with a Volvo. This to I thought would not be a big problem. Yes, I prefer a Pete, but the Volvo has a good ride and that would be good for my lower back and hips. So, no big deal right?
Wrong! When in Iraq, I drove Volvo’s and Mercedes that only run about 114kph. This Volvo runs about 66mph. That is close to the same speed. The mirrors are nearly the same, the feel is the same and I have that BIG piece of glass to look out of, like the trucks over there. Everything about this truck reminds me of Iraq. Then I get my first load……….going to Brownsville, TX.
Last Wednesday evening I load my stuff into the truck and try to get it settled. I don’t load till the next morning 49 miles away. there is no need to me to go any where so I sleep in the truck on the yard in Gulf Port. There is a cool breeze that night so I don’t need to idle the truck. the next morning I get up and head to Picayune to get my load.
On the way, I find that my air conditioner wont work. I figure I am not doing something right and spend the time while loading taking a look at everything. Once loaded I head to a truck stop to scale and call the office to talk to the shop. I am told to go to the Katy, TX terminal to get it fixed, but I have to be there before they close at 1700. I deal with the heat for the couple of hundred miles to Katy. There is so much construction and traffic back ups that I just to get the at 1710. I have missed the guys in the shop. My dispatcher asks if I will go ahead and go to Brownsville and deliver my load, reload, and come back up the next day to get it fixed. He has me set up a load going to Atlanta over the weekend and he is afraid that if I wait till the next morning and get the AC fixed before I deliver, that something will happen and I will get pulled off the load and have to sit in Texas all weekend. So I agree to go to Brownsville without AC.
It is hot in the cab of the truck. The windows are rolled down and the wind rushes in, but it is a hot wind. I am sweating heavily and drinking lots of water. It is in the 80′s still, as I make my way through the evening rush hour traffic in Houston. Then the sun starts going down. I get a bit unnerved by something but don’t know what it is. I make it about 120 miles and decide to stop for the night. I have run enough miles for the day and my 14 hour clock is running out of time fast. (This company wants us to run legal.) I shut the truck down and go to bed.
The next morning I make it to Brownsville, unload and go to pick up a pre-loaded trailer. I sit for an hour waiting for someone to show up to unlock the gate. When he filally gets there, he has the wrong key and leaves. I sit in the 95 degree heat for another 2 hours before another person shows up to open the gate. I am not a happy camper. I am hot, sweaty, out of water, and I know I am not going to make it back up to Katy, Tx before the sun goes down. I am back to not wanting to drive after dark, and this Volvo truck is the trigger for it.
I grab my trailer, and head north. The sun on the trip down was beating in the drivers side wondow, adn now it is the afternoon and beating in again. I actually got a bit of a tan on my left arm that day. As the night draws near, I debate over stopping for the night or driving in the dark adn going on up. ask myself, why I had the weird feeling I had the night before. That is when I realise that it is the truck. It rides the same, runs the same, feels the same as the trucks I drove in Iraq. The sun slips over the horrizon and the night arrives.
I see the desert…….
Is this Texas, or Iraq?
It is both.
Is that a car I the distance or a Humvee?
It is both!
I shake my head and tell myself that I am not crazy. A tear runs down my face. don’t want to be haveing this vision. I don’t want to be afraid of driving at night because it reminds me of Iraq. I don’t want to be in THIS truck!
Someone not to long ago told me that PTSD should show it’s symptoms and me get over it within 6 months of returning home. Man, was he wrong!
So now what do I do?
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I am posting this in case someone by the name of susan just goes to th
Terri
Cindy one thing I’ve learned in my studies about PTSD is that many times the onset is many months or even years AFTER the event took place. You’re not crazy at all, but dealing with memories of what you experienced. There’s no harm whatsoever in speaking with someone who can give you some tools and teach you how to deal with those flashbacks.
Kat in GA
(hugs) Terri seemed to sum it all up perfectly… everything you are experiencing is perfectly normal, you ARE NOT going crazy. (more hugs) Hang in there…
antimedia
Find someone you can trust, a professional counselor, and talk. Pastor, priest, psychiatrist, it doesn’t matter. Find someone. And talk about it. The longer you put it off, the more you’ll be dealing with the thoughts and feelings and questioning your sanity.
Whoever told you PTSD goes away in six months is full of crap. I know Vietnam vets who STILL suffer from PTSD. It is normal to have difficulty dealing with the trama of war. There is nothing to be ashamed of – but get help. Don’t put it off. Life is too short to allow the memories to dominate your life.
antimedia
I should have told you – if you get near Dallas, TX ANY time, you call me. Stop by and visit. I’ll buy you lunch, dinner, whatever. I’m a vet. I understand. Send me email at antimedia@sbcglobal.net and I’ll send you my cell phone. You can call me any time of day or night. You have a place to stay and a warm meal any time you want. You are not alone.
Tracy
Sorry you are struggling with this Cindy.
Tracy
oops, clicked on “submit comment” too soon. I hope that you have someone you can talk to (like antimedia suggested).
Terri
When I was working as a drug and alcohol counselor, many of our clients were dealing with PTSD from sexual assaults and child abuse issues. Until they started talking about it, they were still staying in the same old cycle. It was amazing to see how well they began coping with those things once they got it out and didn’t “stuff it” anymore. Cindy you know that you can always call me anytime you like, night or day. You’ve got my phone number. Don’t keep it bottled up inside, but as antimedia suggested, talk to someone.
Miriam
I’ve never had to deal with PTSD, but from the stuff that’s happened to me, I’d say memory lasts a darn long time. How long it pains you depends on how directly you deal with it. Like Terri says, don’t stuff it. For the types of things you went through, 3 1/2 years is a nanosecond, so give yourself lots of time. That’s not to say things will be bad all the time. Talk it over with those who know. You have a lot of people praying for you. :::hugs for Cindy:::
kbug
Time……it takes time……and you have to talk about it. Talk to anyone who will listen. I grew up listening to my dad’s war stories. He struggled with a few issues after his war……mostly learning how to sleep without a gun under his pillow. But he found his peace, by just accepting the fact that bad things happen during a war……some things that we have no control over……and some things that we do and are not very proud of later……but it is all a part of war.
devildog6771
Cindy I have some posts over at my blog on PTSD. I have PTSD. You cannot wish it away. Your flashbacks will vary in intensity. I won’t coddle you here you don’t need that. So let me say that when you have them, in your mind you are actually back. What youi need asap while you get someone to talk to is what I callmy object to center myself.
1.] First off carry a paper lunch bag at all times folded up. Sometimes during the flashbacks you breathe too fast and get too much oxygen in your body. Take a breath, then open up the bag and place it over your mouth and breath in and out in the bag oh…. 4 -to- 6 breaths. This gets you oxygen/carbon dioxide back on track.
Of course you cant always stop and do that, so try to take several s-l-o-w, deep breaths “through your nosr. Then Let them out slowly through your mouth. Now, if you practice these at home first, it is best. When you take the breaths, think about filling your lungs from the very bottom up. Then let your breath out from the top down. NOT ALL PTSD victims can dothis technique. It will relax you some if it works and allow you to begin to center yourself.
2.] I used a penny because at a VERY BAD TIME for me it was all I had. Find something small you can always carry with you. If can be a Prayer card, the AA Serenity Prayer Medallion, a St. Christopher, a rock you found that you really liked, whatever is small an fits in your pocket that you can hold in your hand. When you feel unreal, disoriented, “crazy, your mind feels like it is slipping away, whatever your symptom is at a given time, hold that object in your hand very tight and say to yourself over and over, “I am not crazy, I am not in Iraq, This isn’t really happening now, I AM “SAFE NOW,” over and over in your mind. Be very sure you tell yourself “I am safe now, I am not in Iraq now. I say this because “the feeling of safety” is crucial during the flashbacks.
As a soldier, I will suggest one more for you. Also tell yourself, “I’m not going to hurt anyone!” I say this because during my flashbacks, though I have never been in combat, I also have the fear of going crazy and hurting people! It is not a reality nor would I ever do that. The danger is to yourself in that sometimes we rationalize, “I will hurt myself before I will allow myself to hurt anyone else.” You need that spoken reenforcement to help regain your feeling of being in control of yourself.
Now, get some newsprint, some cheap drawing pads, some colored pencils, and some cheap pastels. I started off with chalk pastels and later went to oil. Pentel is about the cheapest. Get plenty reds, blacks, purple, blue, and then let your hand guide you to the colors.Trust me it will. Draw pictures like you did as a kid. Your house, things you saw in Iraq, trees, Camels, stick people scenes, and draw with the black pastel and then color it in like with crayons. Blend the colors with your fingers after you get the drawing done.
Do not worry about perfection, a perfect picture, the perfect color, again your hands will start to migrate to the colors you need or want. Since you were in Iraq, you may even want to get some extra browns. Take tese with you in your truck everywhere you go. What will happen if this works for you is you will start to feel the urge to draw. When you stop for a break or at night then do so.
Colored ink pins, even just black are also good for just doing sketches. Again perfection and a detailed picture like art class is not what you worry about here. Start out by just making quick, brief outlines that may or may not look like anything at all at first.
What you are drawing is your fear!! Your anger! Your feelings of hopelessness! whatever the feelings maybe. You probably won’t even know yourself at first. That doesn’t matter. Save everything. Some people can’t give away their drawings. It feels like you lost part of yourself. So you need to save your if you try this and it works until you know.
I know this all may seeem dumb to some. I know it may even seem like a lot of trouble. It really isn’t. If it turns out these work for you, they will help you get your pain and fears out. THESE METHODS ARE NOT A SUBSTITUTE for medical help and a good therapist [I prefer a LCSW with experience with PTSD]. These are tools for you when you have no one around, to get you through the night or day. You must get a medical evaluation by a psychiatrist, not a medical doctor. asap. I recommend looking up the VET Center near you. They are great at helping you and guiding you to help. They are also staffed with veterans I believe.
Anyway, you may need meds for a while or you may not. YOU do NEED at least 8 and probably up to 14 hours sleep a night or whatever your sleeping schedule is, three meals a day, and no alcohol, drugs, or caffeine, and too much sugar!
I hope some of this info helps you. If it doesn’t, feel free to email me any time you need a friend or whatever. DO NOT LIMIT YOUR SOCIAL life to people with problems. but, also, don’t shut out other vets as they can help you. Avoid people who say things that while they mean well, make you feel bad about yourself now. You also don’t need to tell everyone you have PTSD, but you don’t have to treat it like a secret either. Trick- tell those you feel will be patient and understanding.
Set up your own support network of people who give you a boost when you need it, a shoulder when you need it, and [lol] a BOOT when you need it. I had back ups for all of mine so I didn’t drive any of them nuts.
RULES: If you call a friend and they can’t talk now, as long as you are not suicidal or a threat to others, say thank you and don’t get mad at them. On the other hand, you must tell your friends that sometimes you have to have “space or be alone without them getting their feelings hurt.” This is for establishing “boundaries.”
Well, I hope some of this helps. I didn’t mean to go on so. If none of it helps, you haven’t lost anything. But if I were to tell you which of these items I felt most important beside the doctor, I’d have to say the item in your pocket. I can’t stress that enough.
Take care. Don’t beat yourself up. You did not do this to yourself. War did. It is not a cowards disorder. If anything, as your posts shows, you are a person of great strength and bravery! I admire you.