A SOLDIER'S PERSPECTIVE
THE WEB'S LEADING MILITARY BLOG SINCE 2004
I want to thank everyone for all the kind words and prayers that have been sent our way. Last week was a very trying time for me and my family.Well, since my son came home from Iraq it has been trying at times, but last week was the worse for me, as a mom.
Kenny came home from Iraq troubled. Despite many of us telling him that he should wait, he got married 8 months after his return. He moved from the Arkansas National Guard to the regular Army and was stationed at Ft Hood, TX. Things went south from there. I wont go into it all but will say that he ended up getting out of the Army because of his PTSD and he and his wife are now split.
A few weeks ago he decided that he would get his CDL and become a truck driver like me. I was proud that he wanted to follow in my foot steps, but trucking is a hard lonely life and that is something I really didn’t want for him. But, he is an adult and I had to let him do what he thought was best for him. He did his 3 weeks of school and was out with a trainer for one week, when he had what I will call an episode. He did the right thing and told the company. They decided that he was to much of a risk and sent him home. the only thing good out of that at the time that I could see was that he did get his CDL. I juts needed someone that would finish training him. He didn’t want to run with me because he thought that might cause problems between us. I have a friend that was willing to take him on and so things were looking up.
Then last weekend, Kenny called me, crying his eyes out. “Mom, I’m tired. I’m tired of hurting, I’m tired of life, I tired of everything.” he said. I couldn’t calm him down. He didn’t want the pending divorce, he was tired of the problems with the PTSD and not sleeping. He wasn’t eating but one meal a day and was having to force himself to do that. I understood, but then again I didn’t, and I damn sure didn’t know what to do for him. I have been trying to get him to go to the VA since he got out of the Army, but he just wouldn’t go. He would give me one excuse after another why he couldn’t or wouldn’t go. From what I knew of his tour in Iraq I also didn’t understand why he had PTSD. Yes, I know I have dealt with my own PTSD and do every day, but from the stories he had told me, I had seen more combat related crap that he had. I had been through more and I was coping with it. Finally he told me a story that gave me some in-site as to why he was having problems. I wont tell that story it is his to tell when he is ready.
When I got off the phone with him I called his Dad and asked him to call and talk to him. I was worried that he might hurt himself. He had told me that he wrote a very dark poem and had been thinking about suicide. I was scared!!!
A several hours later Kenny called me back. “Mom, you may not hear from me for a while after Monday. I called the VA suicide hotline and am going to the VA Monday.” he said. It was all I could do to not break down and cry right there on the phone. But he didn’t need to hear that so I stuffed those emotions down inside and tried to talk to him. I was in west Texas on my way back from California to the New Orleans area. I asked him if he wanted me to take him to the VA Monday morning. I was worried about leaving him alone. I knew he was staying with friends, but I wanted to make sure someone was watching him all the time. He said, “yeah” and I called my dispatcher. I explained what was going on and that I needed to go to Temple. They told me to go and 3 hours later I was hugging my son and fighting my tears. The hug seemed like it went on forever, but he just didn’t want to let me go and I was not going to pull away.
We got a hotel room and talked. Monday morning we waited for the lady that the hotline said would call him. When 0900 rolled around and we had not heard from anyone, he called the number the hotline gave him. She didn’t answer and he left a message. We kept waiting. Then he called the VA suicide hotline again. They told him that the psychologist had 24 hours to call him and to please be patient. I lost it! I was angry! How can they ask someone that is thinking about killing themselves to wait 24 hours t=from someone to call them back?! Yes he was with friends when he called them the day before, but that didn’t mean that he could not have gone ahead and done it if he wanted to. I told him to call the VA directly.
While on the phone to someone there, a OEF/OIF Social worker call him. She asked where we were and if he needed a ride. He told her that I was there and had my bobtail. She said that she would come get him anyway. When she arrived she asked him several questions. Since I was standing there, I got to hear the answers…..and I didn’t want to hear them. She asked if he had a plan on how to do it. He told her yes. She asked how then and he told her. That was hard for me to hear so I told them that I would go check us out of the hotel and then follow them to the VA center.
We spent all day there. He got enrolled at the VA, saw the psychologist, and went to the Texas Vets office to get his disability started. The psychologist told him that he would probably get 70 to 90% disability due to his PTSD. The concern was the classification, employable or unemployable. She put him on some medication as well. He didn’t want to take it. He is scared that he will be on it the rest of his life and doesn’t want to be that way. I can’t say that I blame him for that, but I told him that he really needed to take it for now. It would help him till they could get him into care and teach him how to cope with it all.
After all day sitting there we went back to the hotel, they wanted him to come back the next day to finish his paperwork. He called his friends to tell them that the VA was not going to put him in the hospital. His friends told him that he was welcome to com back to stay with them, but that he could not freak out nay more. He couldn’t say that for sure! I told him to come home with me and we would get him into the Biloxi VA. The next day we went back to the VA, and told them he was coming home with me. we then called his friends and get his stuff. He is now in Mississippi at my house. My other two sons and pregnant daughter-in-law are there as well looking for now looking for jobs, so he is not alone. They are keeping a good eye on him and taking him to the VA. Also my Dad lives next door and is trying to watch things from there without intruding.
Kenny went to the Biloxi VA yesterday and they agreed with what the Temple VA told him. They don’t want him working for now and are getting his disability claim set up. the only thing with that, is that it could take months for him to start getting the disability. In the mean time, he is taking his meds, and will be seeing a psychologist.
If it is OK with CJ, the readers and everyone else, I would like to make a series of post on our dealings with the VA. I have heard from MANY Vets that our VA system sucks! My son, me and our family are fixing to get to know it very well and I would like to share as much of the experience with ya’ll as I can or Kenny will let me.
(15) Readers Comments
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Donna
Thanks Cindy for keeping us posted about your son. I’m glad that he is getting some help although it sounds like the VA is slow with the help. I’m so glad that you were there for him and your family is also. Your son, you and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers! God Bless all of you!
Tracy
I am so glad that Kenny is getting help!
Karen
I will keep praying for our son and your family. I am so glad he chose to get the help he needs.
Grumpy
Cindy, as I read your post, I saw some real signs of your strength and real wisdom. Do I have any idea of what you are talking about? Yes, I am 100% service-connected disabled veteran. The one issue about taking medication for the rest of my life. For me, the answer is YES! There are no alternatives. Everybody talks about friends and family, they CAN be really good or really bad fot the vet. For your information, a little of my history. I have a whole series of neurological disorders, a disorder is incurable. Yes, it will be eventually the cause of my death, this is what the doctors have told me. I just told the doctor, I was a stubborn grumpy old Irishman and I wasn’t going. Family and friends need to be mindful of the fact his world will never be the same as theirs. They always said, “We’ll wait until things get back to normal.” If I let it, I ‘ll have a neverending rage. But there is this one old guy, I’ve known him for over 50 years. As he puts it, “I’ve been a guest of the Hilton Chain, Hanoi.” (P.O.W.) He spent 5 years there. He is in physical pain 24/7. In many ways, we have the same issues, but for different reasons. One day we talked about that “…back to normal.” comment. “Normal” for us is “Dead on Arrival”, we’re talking about life view or mind set, not physical. We found ourselves building a brand new “normal”. It worked for us. Pain free? I think both of us would say, No”, but better able to cope with it. There is much more to it and much more for us to learn.
About dealing with the VA, it can REALLY SUCK! But on the other hand, it does not need to be this way, but sometimes it is up to the vereran. IF you work WITH them, then and only then, will they work with you. I said this before, but you really want to invest the time to establish a relationship between you and your members of Congress. This will be first begun with a telephone call. Let me tell you, in a situation like this, there is nothing quite like having a Congressional Advocate on your side. He/She is now walking through the VA or one of its regional offices or medical centers asking questions on your behalf. There is nothing quite like this, the advocate now sends the information back to the Congressman or Senator’s office and they send it back to you. In this process, who benefits? Reality, it helps everybody. It helps the veteran and his/her family, the people at the VA don’t like to have somebody looking over their shoulder and second-guessing their responses. It also helps the VA and Congress in the understanding of the real-time situation. Hopefully, they’ll at least visit reality, it is too much to expect them to live there.
Finally, Cindy, you are doing yourself, your son and your Country a tremendous duty, by allowing us to tread very carefully on such sacred ground.
Thank you,
Grumpy
ZSU
“Thank you!” to Cindy, to Cindy’s son and to Grumpy (and all of you) for relating war experiences that result in PTSD. Listening to folks with whom I’m privileged to be in contact, one item stands out that seems rarely addressed, and that is, the ‘home’ environment. Not home as your family or your community, but home as in civilian environment.
Daily, in the ‘home’ (civilian) environment, 527s (campaign finance tax-free, anti-military organizations) as well as news media and legislators seem hell-bent upon ridiculing and faulting our military for every ill on earth today. Lord God knows it’s bad enough for a veteran or active military person to cope with war experiences. But to be continually blamed for the effects of war places undue and unwarranted pressure on these soldiers. Bodies are conditioned to extraordinary toughness, but the mind and heart, no matter how strong, cannot long endure rants of continual criticism.
You made a crucial statement, “I was hugging my son and fighting my tears. The hug seemed like it went on forever, but he just didn’t want to let me go and I was not going to pull away.”
You aided his journey toward healing with that safe, secure hug. The physically and mentally battered military and/or intelligence agent *needs* to feel safe as a first step in healing. Without feeling safe, how can treatment be successful?
Yes, please, please, please relate progress (or regression) for by relating your experiences, you help us deal with PTSD.
Antimedia
Cindy, my prayers are with you and with your son. Since you both suffer from PTSD, I can only conclude that you have similar emotional and mental makeups (what a surprise, huh?) That gives me hope for your son’s future, because, despite all you’ve dealt with, you’ve survived and prospered. I think your son will too, once he’s begun dealing with the underlying trauma. And he seems to have chosen to do that now.
If you’re ever passing through Dallas and you have time to stop for a meal, call me. Treat’s on me. (Send me email and I’ll give you my name and number.)
Becky
I just attended a volunteer meeting on Saturday for Operation Homefront and quite a bit of the presentation centered on PTSD. I think they have the means to help you get help and navigate the VA system. This organization is nationwide and they have a Mississippi/Alabama chapter. Their website is http://www.operationhomefront.net
I’m keeping you all in my prayers.
SSgtJ
Cindy you already know that we are praying for you and your son daily. Also that we are so proud of you to step out and tell you story. All of the post above are awesome.
One particular post touches a special hot button for me. ZSU, your point is so often missed and so true that I have no choice but to reinforce it for you. You say “one item stands out that seems rarely addressed, and that is, the ‘home’ environment. Not home as your family or your community, but home as in civilian environment. ” And you also add “but the mind and heart, no matter how strong, cannot long endure rants of continual criticism.”
ZSU, I saw this in my fellow veterans after Vietnam, I see this now and I KNOW that you are making a point that the MSM, the Hard Left and all of the So-Called DO GOODERS seem to miss completly. Any professional who attempts to treat ANY mental issues, will ALWAYS try to treat the environment as well as the ‘patient’. The MSM and their lot are PART OF THE PROBLEM not PART OF THE SOLUTION.
CJ, you are right that we need to train our military better and tougher, I know it would help, a LOT. But ZSU is also right on this one. Just check out how the Vietnam Veterans that stayed on active duty (stayed in a safe supportive mental environment) coped with PTSD versus those who got out of the service after coming home and went on to try to cope with the hostile environment back ‘home’ in the ‘World’.
Code Pink and their lot contribute to PTSD. The good people on this site help to REDUCE PTSD. It is not only logical, it is in the numbers. Look it up.
I say once again, thanks to everyone that has ever posted on this site. Yes, that includes you CF.
vawise
I just Googled Temple VA PTSD and found Cindy’s story about her son. I should keep my mouth shut, but I just can’t. I am SO glad he is out of the Temple facility. I hope Biloxi will help, but I doubt it. I don’t know if Cindy realizes it or not, but the VA does not have a formal/approved PTSD treatment program which is then offered by VA facilities. Individual VA FACILITIES design, assemble, and implement their own programs (if at all). An Administrator is hired to implement his/her PTSD treatment program. In 5 years of attending Temple’s “PTSD GROUP THERAPY PROGRAM” there have been at least 3 administrators. In those 5 years, each has chosen to NOT address trauma in the treatment which is what the vet needs. That is because they are GROUP programs and they are not about to have a room full of PTSD vets arguing and debating what is traumatic and what is not, and comparing stories, AND the VA cannot provide one-on-one programs. Can you imagine? A Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Treatment “Program” where the vet’s trauma is NEVER allowed to be addressed because one-on-one treatment is NOT AVAILABLE.
In my opinion, the VA is NOT the vet’s friend, … in any way. I recently heard that the Veteran’s Administration Operations Manual (or whatever the core operation criteria is called) has not been revised since early 1950′s. The VET is ignored, delayed, put through red tape to no end, insulted, and can walk into triage in DIRE straits and be told to sit and wait 4-6 hours to see a doctor, and then not get the treatment he requests. As for benefits, … I am a Viet Nam combat veteran. I was tested and diagnosed PTSD by the Temple VA. I was awarded a 100% NON-service-connected benefit within 60 days of filing for benefits. That was about $850 a month then. I was living in the Domicillary at the time (free, . I was unemployed and homeless). As soon as that was awarded, I was told either leave the Dom or pay $700 a month to stay there. I moved to a family member and paid them rent at $350 a month. I enrolled in the PTSD program which was a group meeting once a month. Drove 150 miles one way to make the meetings. Total waste of time, but was told it would help gain Service Connected benefit, so I kept it up. 4.5 years later, … attained Full Service Connected Benefit (about $2500 a month). The truth is,… the VA helped me stay in a Domiciliary for 3 months free when I was homeless. They awarded me $850 a month to live on. They put me on free medication (they are very good with that), and FINALLY, ENOUGH TO LIVE ON, …that is it. I cannot say they did anything else. The program was TOTALLY ineffective. The last Administrator implemented her “program” telling all Viet Nam vets they were going to lose group meetings, but could talk to a counselor anytime they needed to. The new group counselor introduced herself as a DOCTOR, and a month later let it slip she was only a therapist. The preceeding 4 years of the program, we always had a psychiatrist leading the group though it didn’t make much difference. Within a month, she had totally lost control of the group. I simply quit going. There is not enough space to tell the entire story. I have found it almost impossible to get treatment from the Temple VA for ANYTHING urgent. Long-term, … eventually you can get what you need. Urgency is not in their mindset.
Make sure the vet files for BOTH claims, …Service-connected AND NONservice-connected and when you are denied 4-5 times, appeal, appeal, appeal. I would say the VA, in its failure to provide good health care has become only a vehicle for Vets to gain the most financial benefit they can, … and that is only if they know how to work it. If you have your benefits, better to use a Doc In The Box for minor illnesses than to try to get medical care from the VA.
Cindy, … tell your Son that nothing is worth killing yourself over. GOD gave us life and we are obliged to live it, … ALL. There are THOUSANDS of stories much worse than whatever is bothering your Son and suicide is not a solution, it is an cop-out END …. OF EVERYTHING. THEN tell him no one is going to cure his PTSD. HE is going to manage his “head”. Hoping the VA is going to is like hoping you will win the lottery. File his claims, … take his medications, get into “programs”even though they don’t do a THING for you, but the VA is not going to help him with his problem other than medicate WHICH HE NEEDS. John McCain and MANY others has rationalized their trauma to where it does not destory them. THAT is what he MUST do. That is all the VA dreams to do anyway, and they can’t. It is a self defeating goal of the VA. I wish I could talk to him. One more thing,… if he CANNOT WORK, have him file a Social Security Disability claim. It won’t be much because he has not earned a lot in his young lifetime, but it is another benefit. He will be denied and denied. Have him get a lawyer. They get paid IF HE IS AWARDED only. And then there is a $5,000 cap. The VA is the government. It is FAR AND AWAY
Lori
Just a brief synopsis of my battle with PTSD. I witnessed a special forces soldier killed in front of me on his motorcycle. Me being and Army medic, I felt a duty to work as hard as I could on this soldier even though I knew my effort were futile, his entire team had also witnessed the accident and were watching his team medic and I work on him. Five days later I was on a plane to Somalia in Aug 1993. Although we were mortored every night as well as continual gun fire, I handled the situation well and performed my duties to the best of my abilities. I returned ahead of my unit to undergo surgery on my shoulder. This is probably where most of my problems started (I had no one to share it with who would understand). In March of 1994 two planes collided at Pope Air Force base which resulted in numerous casualties and deaths. Those who did not die were severly burned and mutilated. Althoguh I was not a part of the initial response, I loaded soldiers into refrigirated tractor trailors for those mortally wounded. I don’t think one of the three incidences would have been that bad but I had no time to deal with one trauma before the next occurred. I believe your son suffered the same as I did but on a grander scale. I continued in the military until 1996 when I was medically boarded after my third operation. I then became a civilian paramedic which just poured more trauma and death on what I had already experienced. It’s kind of like experiencing 21 years of death and dying. I am still experiencing all of the symptoms that go along with PTSD. I have been through two clinics and see a therapist on a regular basis. I was searching for another program (my psychiatrist advised me to do this) when I saw your son’s struggle on the internet. I have been taking medication for PTSD since 1993 and would like all of you to know that it is not the cure all for what he is going through. Talking about what he went through is going to take a long time. It took me over 20 years to talk about some of the things I went through. But if he is admitted into a long term (30-90 day program) he will get the building blocks for a stron foundation to build the rest of his life on. He can not go it alone and he is not alone. We all (veterans) support him and wish him well. I went through a wonderful program in Ft. Thomas KY and am trying to go back through it again. The first time I was like a stone wall. I shared very little and gave the therapist little to work with. His road ahead is not going to be easy but by no means is it hopeless. Just know that you are the strong one who faces his problems knowing that they are going to hurt initially but will get better with time. It is the weak ones who avoid rehashing painful memories. Another thing I would like to share is this; if you, your son, and a nieghbor were on the porch and witnessed someone hit and killed you would have all seen the same thing. However, each of you would react totally differently to the incident. Just because one handles it well does not mean the other two will not suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. Support and as much understanding as you can possibly give is what you can offer him. The work is all left of to him and I know he can do it. We (veterans) are a tough lot and can handle a lot when others would crumble and fall.
I know nothing about you but trust me (coming from a 12 year active duty stretch, nothing will help you unless you are ready to start working at it and know that you will be better in the future. We have a ton of people on our side unlike the Vietnam vets who are trained and ready to take on all the bull shit we put them through…
My best wishes to you and I hope you give it your all even when you feel like you’re going to explode if you talk about it. Trust me, you won’t (it’s physically impossilbe), LOL
Your Friend and fellow veteran,
Lori
Jennifer
I hope your son gets the care he deserves. My husband suffers from Chronic PTSD after returning from Iraq last August. Trying to go back to his career as a truck driver he found it impossible to handle the everyday stresses associated with travel on the highways of this great country without letting his emotions and anger overrule his 13 years of experience and knowledge. It took me 4 months to get him to a VA to seek treatment for what he thought would go away with time, here we are a year later and very little progress.
I do have to say that dealing with the VA here in Lexington, KY has been more like a maze of Who’s Who in the local VA world but we have managed to get him involved in their Poly Trauma system and so far it’s been better than just going at it alone. I personally found that the only way to get what he needed was to keep on trying. If one doctor didn’t give us the help we needed we went to another and when they didn’t seem to work out we sought someone else until we finally ended up with Poly Trauma Team where he’s now starting to level out a bit.
PTSD has ruined our family,our finances and our life. It has ended his career ( the only thing he’s ever known) and now at 36 he finds himself lost and having to start over because no trucking company will put him behind the wheel of 80,000lbs. with PTSD, they say he’s too unstable to be trusted.
My advice to you is to keep on trying. Call every source you have and look up ones that you don’t. Don’t let one doctor discourage you.. find another one… and if they don’t help… keep on looking. The only problem with the system is that it’s too big to be effective with so many people none of them realize just how little a fish they are in the great big VA ocean but there are some great ones out there,,,, you just have to keep on trying.
Don’t give up
Good luck and god bless
Wife of a mentally wounded soldier
Jen
Melody Burgin
Dearest White Rose< Hi my name is Melody. I know how you feel.I went and put in My sSon and PTSD and got your story. The reason I did this is my Son also suffers from PTSD. HE has a web site as well. Tim King from Oregon posted my Sons story about being a Marine with PTSD and the VA. It is a very touching story and gives in detail descriptions about my Sons job while he was in Iraq
Melody Burgin
Dearest White Rose, Hello my name is Melody. My son also suffers PTSD. A Tim White posted my son story about PTSD. My son was a Marine and very proud of it. HE had a tour in Iraq and Afiganistan. Come home with PTSD. His story is posted on a web site. I never knew what my son experienced over there until Tim White a journalist did an interview with my son. I just recently read it. It broke my heart to know what our soldiers and families experience over there. My son goes into detail his job and mission there. He tells about his experience with the VA and he still fights to get all his benefits. He is getting partial and is appealing it to get full benefits. My heart pours out to you and your son and all who experience this. And to your son, Be strong and I don’t blame you for not wanting the meds my son didn’t either. He goes into detail about the meds made him feel. Good Luck my Freinds. God Bless.
Melody Burgin
Dearest White Rose, Its me Melody again. Just to give you alittle about the meds and my son’s experience please go to the web site ” A Marines story about PTSD and Medical Marijuana Use By Nicholas Burgin. The story that I told you about published by Tim King-Salem News.com . This is my son’s story. Alot of people has commented to this as well. Onve again God Bless and Good Luck.
Melody Burgin
Dearest White Rose, Hope things are going well. My son is still fighting with the VA and his benefits. The Meds have him sedated pretty heavy to where he sleeps all the time. He wasn’t even able to go back to school because the VA denied the cost. Good Luck and your family is i my prayers.