Useless

— By CJ

I have no problems living in the dirt. I’m not afraid to get hit with a bullet, blown up in an explosion, or hit head on by a drunk driver. I can deal with losing a limb, my eyesight, or live the rest of my life horribly disfigured. You can beat me, cut me, and bury me alive and I would confront it head on. What I can’t deal with is seeing my wife in pain.

When Anissa was born, I was in training and could not be there for the birth. Thankfully, my drill sergeant allowed me to go to my room and be on the phone so I could “take part” in the birth of my first child. I was able to be there for Chris, though. I like to think that I’m a manly man. I’m not a big sports fan, but I’m pretty good at dealing with pain. When I broke my foot playing soccer, I ran on it for two days because I thought the pain would go away if I just worked it out. When my foot swelled to more than twice its normal size and I could no longer put ANY weight on it, I decided to go to the doctor.

As a combat lifesaver, I’ve put many IVs in people arms in both training and for real world lifesaving measures. While I was stationed at the NTC, I probably gave between 10-20 IVs each summer as the heat surpassed triple digits while we were in the field.

With that in mind, I shouldn’t have any trouble with childbirth. I’d seen my fair share of blood. So, I was bit surprised that when they started Emily’s IV as she prepared for Chris’s delivery, I instantly went into shock upon seeing her blood. Nothing hurts me more than seeing her in pain. I could care less about anyone else’s pain, but hers always gets to me.

You can imagine what I’m going through right now. Emily had her second surgery to repair her kidneys on Thursday. They had to put a stint in the ureter (the long thin tube that runs from the kidney to the bladder) at the point it meets the kidney. The kidney wasn’t draining and they think that the ureter is obstructed at that point. The problem is that she’s been in unbearable pain since then. And there’s nothing I can do. I feel so useless and helpless. The medicine only goes so far. She literally walks bent over from the pain and can’t sit still for more than an hour at a time – and that’s when the medicine kicks in.

Rubbing her back or feet only makes it worse. She doesn’t want to be touched. I finally took the advice of one of the contractors (yes, a military contractor who kicks ASS for my Company) I work with who also has kidney issues and called the doctor to inquire about a particular medication. He agreed to prescribe it and I left to pick it up. Since we got that, she’s been doing a LOT better, but I can still hear her in pain when she needs to use the latrine (you know you’re a military wife when your bathroom is called a latrine).

It just drives me insane that there is nothing I can do about it. I would gladly take all her pain and then some if she wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore. It’s the worse feeling in the world to have to sit and watch!! Please pray that her pain is taken away and she recovers much faster. If you don’t have a God, please hug a tree in her honor or burn an incense candle, I don’t care. I’ve already given her a couple of blessings, but my priesthood power must not be as strong as I think it is.

(21) Readers Comments

Kat in ga
06/14/2008 at 7:35 pm

((((HUGS))) AND PRAYERS COMING FROM OUR CORNER OF THE WORLD TO YOURS…..

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The Grass Hopper
06/14/2008 at 8:10 pm

Prayers.

Now take walk. Make sure to take your cell phone and the kids. Emily could probably use the break.

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CJ
06/14/2008 at 8:17 pm

I’ve been taking the kids for drives and to run errands, both for their sanity and mine.

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The Grass Hopper
06/14/2008 at 8:34 pm

CJ,

You are to close to this. My wife had cancer removed while I was deployed without telling me or the Chain of Command until I got back. A good friend came and watched the kids. When I returned was when I found out. Tammy said the last thing she wanted was me hovering over her. BTW walking is better to releive stress. Driving means you sit on your butt. Take the kids to a park and run with them.

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The Grass Hopper
06/14/2008 at 8:57 pm

CJ,

As admin here. You can contact me by email. Feel free to do so. I have big ears. But let me warn you. I might say things you do not like.

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Donna
06/14/2008 at 9:52 pm

CJ,
I’m continuing to remember Emily in my prayers as well as you! Sorry for the pain that Emily is suffering and that is hard to see a spouse in pain like that. A speedy recovery for Emily is my prayer and also that the pain will go away soon! Peace of mind for you as well! God Bless you Both!!

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Marcus
06/14/2008 at 11:33 pm

Keeping your family in my prayers, boss. Call me if you need anything, okay?

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Leta
06/14/2008 at 11:51 pm

Golly CJ – really sorry to read this. I’ll definitely says some prayers for Emily and y’all. I hope Emily is doing much, much better by the time I’m posting this.

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LL
06/15/2008 at 12:16 am

CJ, I just read this. I had email access, but not a lot of internet surfing access/time. You should have bopped me on the head AND left us to go tend to her.

Ms. Emily is in my thoughts and prayers still. I’d come spell you for a bit, but it’s a long drive.

Hugs to you and yours, hon.

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Michelle
06/15/2008 at 1:33 am

Dear Soldier,
I am going to keep you and your family in my prayers! I am a member of Soldier’s Angels and I am also a registered nurse. Your blog touched me because I had surgery right when I graduated from nursing school 6 years ago and my husband was there for me the whole time. I have to say that it really hurt to see him cry. A man who has always been so strong. He to felt helpless and it was a difficult time, but we perservered. I pray that your wife would get better soon and that the new medicine continues to work well.

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yankeemom
06/15/2008 at 7:50 am

Prayers coming from here too ~ for easing pain and a quick healing.

~ Hugs ~

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Isaac
06/15/2008 at 10:14 am

I agree with CJ. Taking pain is nothing but when a person you love is getting it, it hurts real bad. The experience is horrid.

Don’t worry CJ, Emily seems tough, she will pull through fine.

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White Rose
06/15/2008 at 11:13 am

CJ,

You are NOT useless! I know it is hard to watch someone you love in pain, but I am sure that she is very grateful that you are there. It would be much harder on her if you were not. Emily is a tough lady, and I know ya’ll will get through this. You have my number and are more than welcome to call if you need a strong should to lean on.

All my love and prayers with you both!

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Susan
06/15/2008 at 12:31 pm

You have our thoughts, prayers and best wishes.

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Sharon
06/15/2008 at 4:52 pm

I haven’t been keeping up much lately with the internet and was sorry to read about Emilie. The power of prayer is very well documented. Mine is now added to the circle.

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TracyS
06/15/2008 at 6:12 pm

My hubby said the hardest thing for him was when I was in labor~in serious pain (I cannot get an epidural due to a blood clotting disorder) and there was not ONE THING he could do about it.

I really, really wish I lived close enough to do something. If Emily needs to vent to someone other than family (even if it’s just to scream really loud, say “thank you” and hang up!!) you have my numbers!

I will continue to pray.

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Dotti
06/15/2008 at 8:05 pm

CJ, Emily is at the top of my prayer list. Strong faith & a your love will see her through.

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Ky Woman
06/16/2008 at 1:55 am

Request completed, and will continue till further notice.

Y’all hang in there!

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David
06/16/2008 at 12:13 pm

You need anything from Brooklyn, let me know. Our prayers are with you.
David

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Anthony
06/16/2008 at 2:10 pm

CJ,

You are not useless. I’m sure Emily is glad that you are there to help her through this. Like the others said, though, you and the kids do need to get away sometimes too.

I’m praying for you all. Let me know if I can do anything else.

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chrisntx
06/18/2008 at 6:53 pm

CJ,
I just now saw the post about Emily’s pain. I hope she has started feeling better. Will continue to uplift her in our prayers.

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