Contrary to what Larry has been telling everyone, I didn’t go out, get drunk, and get myself killed by a llama stampede. On the contrary, I expertly navigated that stampeded and even mounted a nappy alpaca and give it my best eight seconds. But, since it has been a long time since I’ve shared one of my Nigerian scam conversations with you, I thought now was as good a time as any. Here the most recent letter I got my buddies across the pond.

Dear Friend,

I am Mr. John Erskine, the accounting officer-in charge of the Private investment section of the above named Finance house. I have decided to contact you on a business Transaction that requires confidentiality, Trust and transparency, where both of us have a lot to benefit, during my investigation and auditing in the Accounts section, I came across a huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person. Though I know that contact of this nature will make any one apprehensive and worried, I am assuring you that everything has been taken care of, and you have nothing to fear at all and i would be very glad if you would allow me bring you to a clearer picture of what is on ground, what we intend to do and how we intend to do it.

This enquiry involves a client who shares your surname. It was brought to my knowledge that the aforementioned client died intestate and nominated no next of kin to the title over investments made. We came to know of you via the London. Global. Database.Center (L.G.D.C.) Hence i am making this contact. The essence of this communication with you is to request that you provide me with information on 2 KEY issues.

1. Are you aware of any investment of considerable value made by such a person with any Private Bankers?

2. Can you establish beyond reasonable doubt your eligibility to assume status of next of kin to the deceased?

He died in an air crash along with his wife on the 31st October 1999 in an Egyptian airline boeing 990 with other passengers on board. You can confirm this fact from the website which was aired by the BBC WORLD NEWS: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/502503.stm

Since his death, none of his relatives or associates have come forward to lay claims to his funds as next-of-kin, and on my own i have made concerted effort to locate any of his relatives but all proved abortive. Based on the ethics and policies of the bank,it would be declared unclaimed and taken to the treasury of the bank as capital base of the bank, because already the account has been tagged dormant because it has exceeded the normal functional number of years.

We cannot release the funds from his account unless someone applies for it or lays claim as the next-of-kin to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines. Upon this discovery, I now seek your permission and assistance to present you and have you stand as a next of kin to the deceased,so that the funds can be released and transfer to you, as all documentations will be carefully worked out by me for it to be released in your favor as the beneficiary’s next of kin, if not the members of the board of directors will utilise it for their personal ggrandisement. Because after six years as this is the fifth year going it will be called back to the bank treasury as unclaimed bills and shared amongst the directors of the bank, so it is on this note i decided to seek for whom his name shall be used as the next of kin/beneficiary rather than allow the bank directors to share it amongst themselves at the end of the year.

It may interest you to know that I have secured from the probate commission an order of mandamus to locate any of the deceased beneficiaries. Please acknowledge receipt of this message in acceptance of our mutual business endeavour by furnishing me with the following information if you are interested.

1. A beneficiary name, in order for me to prepare the documents for transfer in your name.

2. Direct Telephone and fax numbers…For our personal contact and for easy communication between both of us.

Upon your acceptance I shall send you my identity for more confidentiality and trust in each other as i shall trust you not to elope at completion. If this proposal is acceptable by you, please endeavor to contact me immediately. Do not take undue advantage of the trust I have bestowed in you, I await your urgent response. Contact me via this email address please:

[email address removed]

Do note that my email address at the bank is monitored and contact should never be through that email.

Regards,
John Erskine

Here is my response to Mr. Erskine:

Mr. Erskine,

Thanks for contacting me. I have to admit that when I first saw your email I immediately became apprehensive, worried and fearful. But, then, I read the part where you said “Though I know that contact of this nature will make any one apprehensive and worried, I am assuring you that everything has been taken care of, and you have nothing to fear at all and i would be very glad if you would allow me bring you to a clearer picture of what is on ground, what we intend to do and how we intend to do it.” That made me feel much safer, less apprehensive, calmer, and free of fear.

I guess the main thing that got me was that you said you found money belonging to a deceased person. I’ve never heard of a deceased person really owning anything. So, to hear that you found a deceased person with a large amount of money was, to be frank, alarming. Does the deceased person work in the private investment section with you, or did he visit you in a dream? I’m always being visited by deceased people in my dreams as well. And to find out that he died almost ten years ago and was able to find enough body parts to piece together a unified image that didn’t scare the bejeebers out of you speaks highly of him. For the record, I told him not to get on that plane!!

Regardless, I’m glad you contacted me. A few years ago, I subscribed to the L.G.D.C. database. It’s good to know that it’s finally paying off (no pun intended). Now, on to your questions:

1. Are you aware of any investment of considerable value made by such a person with any Private Bankers? If you’re talking about my great uncle Mortimer Mahonri Sneakers, then yes. If you’re talking about Bob Coriantumr Sneakers, then no. The only thing Bob had of value was the pair of socks he’d been wearing since his junior year of high school when he won the state wrestling championship by butt dragging his opponent with them. He never took them off after that.

2. Can you establish beyond reasonable doubt your eligibility to assume status of next of kin to the deceased? No, I can’t. But, I can establish my eligibility by casting doubt that I am the one of whom you seek. You see, Mortimer and I got along famously. As a matter of fact, he’s the one that gave me my first llama.

Hopefully that helps a little. I’m interested in learning more about this venture. And just so we’re clear the answer to your subject question is negative.

Yours Respectfully,

David Sneakers

I’ll let you know if I’ve passed the mustard (or the ketchup) and get a response.