This week’s Army Times paper had a story titled “Medicating the Military” by Brendan McGarry. It was kind of a sobering piece about the toll eight years of war has taken on our troops.

One of the graphics really got me thinking. It dealt with the types of drugs being prescribed to troops. In a Military Times poll, 10% of the 263 respondents said they had taken medications for a mental health or combat stress reason. Now, I realize that we are only talking 26 Soldiers here, but consider that of those, 73% were taking an antidepressant. 56% were taking a sleep medication. 12% were taking a narcotic painkiller. Those were the top three medications our troops need to stay mentally and physically healthy – and I take all three, in addition to others.

What concerns me is the effect all these drugs are having on me in other ways. As a result of my war injury, I’m unable to run (I can jog) at all. During my most recent checkup, I was also told to stop doing sit-ups. I tried arguing with my doc and was told that the choice was mine: accept the profile and be able to walk the rest of my life or continue trying to pretend I’m not injured and be confined to a wheelchair one day. With much reluctance, I accepted the permanent profile barring me from doing sit-ups (I still do crunches until it hurts).

I put a lot of stress on myself trying to be a good NCO in spite of my limitations. Some of my depression comes from the fact that I can no longer lead from the front in certain areas, specifically physical fitness. I’m limited in the types of jobs I can have. For example, I’ll probably never have another opportunity to be a First Sergeant, especially in a tactical unit, because of these physical limitations. Through no fault of my own, I’m incapable of “keeping up” in the things I love to do. I think back with fond memories running from the ball field at Fort Irwin up to “Blackie Mountain” and back each Monday with my squad.

On top of this, PTSD provides another obstacle to really being able to concentrate the way I used to. I take sleeping medications to silence all the things going through my head so I can sleep at night. It’s a double edged sword, though, because I’m worried constantly that while I’m knocked out I’ll be unable to respond to any threats. That frustration breeds anger.

And yet, if I stop taking these medications, will it trigger something in my mind that makes me go completely batty? According to the Army Times article, retired Colonel Bart Billings testified before Congress that he believes the recent spike in suicides directly correlates to the types and quantities of PTSD medications being handed out. I never have been, am not now, nor do I think I ever will be suicidal. I think it’s futile and stupid to take one’s life.

It’s a position to be in to wonder if there is an answer out there that won’t kill us. Obviously, doing nothing is not an option which is why I started seeking help last year. ALL Soldiers that think they may have mental health issues should seek help. There is nothing wrong with it and it isn’t a sign of weakness. If I’ve learned anything, however, don’t do it publicly but don’t do it alone. I’ve learned from personal experience that while the military is fully engaged in removing the stigma, the general populace is not and neither are some leaders.

I’m not sure what I’m really trying to say here since I feel like I’m over the place. I haven’t been as regular in taking my prescriptions and that may be why. I can still operate and perform my duties, but inside there is a war raging and I don’t know who is fighting it or which side is winning.

Skillet has a song called “Invincible” that goes like this:

I, I’m invincible
I’m indestructible
It’s my destiny

I, I’m invincible
I’m unshakeable
Through the truth in my soul

[Chorus:]
You know you just can’t kill a man when he’s dead
You know the spirit survives (invincible)
You can’t stop the advance of the Kingdom to come
You know the truth is alive (invincible)

To be invincible
Is unattainable
Without sacrifice

Feel, feel the birth inside
The life that cannot die
Are you invincible

[CHORUS]
Invincible-Invincible

You know you can’t kill a man when he’s dead
You know you can’t

[CHORUS (repeat)]
You know you can’t kill a man when he’s dead