No amount of education, awareness, or training on the topic is going to do a lick of good if we, as leaders, don’t have the interests of our troops first and foremost in our minds. It is imperative that we know our troops personally as well as professionally. We must understand – really understand – the indicators that lead to these thoughts.

As LTG Hororo says below (and GEN Chiarelli frequently noted), even one suicide is one too many. That’s not just a catchy phrase. Every single suicide can be prevented if every single Soldier understands their value in this life. I look back on all that’s happened, positive and negative, since that dark night in June 2010. There is so much that I would have missed out on. There are so many lives that I have positively affected and have positively affected me because I allowed them to help me. I reached out when I felt that all was lost. I picked up the phone when I wanted to pick up that pistol.

Believe it or not, things get better. I got better. It’s not the perfect life that I imagine is out there somewhere, but living through it strengthened me when I thought nothing could help me.

As leaders, we need to be aware of the things our troops are going through so they can feel comfortable leaning on them when needed. That trust must be formed well before these thoughts enter our the minds of our troops. But, even when I didn’t trust my leaders to help me, I reached out to others outside of the military or outside of my unit for help.

The suicide solution is no solution at all. I hope that anyone reading this and contemplating that final act out of desperation understands that. If you don’t have someone you feel you can talk to, email me! I will help you!

The Army released suicide data today for the month of March. During March, among active-duty soldiers, there were 18 potential suicides: three have been confirmed as suicides and 15 remain under investigation. For February, the Army reported 11 potential suicides among active-duty soldiers. Since the release of that report, five have been confirmed as suicides and six remain under investigation. For 2012, there have been 45 potential active-duty suicides: 20 have been confirmed as suicides and 25 remain under investigation. Updated active-duty suicide numbers for 2011: 164 (164 have been confirmed as suicides and none remain under investigation).

During March, among reserve component soldiers who were not on active duty, there were 10 potential suicides (seven Army National Guard and three Army Reserve): four have been confirmed as suicides and six remain under investigation. For February, among that same group, the Army reported three potential suicides. Since the release of that report, one case has been added for a total of four potential suicides (four Army National Guard and no Army Reserve): three have been confirmed as suicides and one remains under investigation. For 2012, there have been 20 potential not on active duty suicides (16 Army National Guard and four Army Reserve): 13 have been confirmed as suicides and seven remain under investigation. Updated not on active duty suicide numbers for 2011: 117 (81 Army National Guard and 36 Army Reserve); 117 have been confirmed as suicides and none remain under investigation.

“One suicide is one too many. We in Army medicine have partnered with our line leaders to enhance mental health resiliency; by engaging soldiers holistically by supporting their mental, physical and spiritual well being in an effort to improve the health and wellness of the Force. We are committed to every soldier and our efforts are focused on prevention well before the individual chooses suicide as their only option,” said Lt. Gen. Patricia D. Horoho, the surgeon general of the Army.

Soldiers and families in need of crisis assistance can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Trained consultants are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year and can be contacted by dialing 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or by visiting their website at http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

Army leaders can access current health promotion guidance in newly revised Army Regulation 600-63 (Health Promotion) at: http://www.army.mil/usapa/epubs/pdf/r600_63.pdf and Army Pamphlet 600-24 (Health Promotion, Risk Reduction and Suicide Prevention) at http://www.army.mil/usapa/epubs/pdf/p600_24.pdf.

The Army’s comprehensive list of Suicide Prevention Program information is located at http://www.preventsuicide.army.mil.

Suicide prevention training resources for Army families can be accessed at http://www.armyg1.army.mil/hr/suicide/training_sub.asp?sub_cat=20 (requires Army Knowledge Online access to download materials).

Information about Military OneSource is located at http://www.militaryonesource.com or by dialing the toll-free number 1-800-342-9647 for those residing in the continental United States. Overseas personnel should refer to the Military OneSource website for dialing instructions for their specific location.

Information about the Army’s Comprehensive Soldier Fitness Program is located at http://www.army.mil/csf/.

The Defense Center for Excellence for Psychological Health and Traumatic Brain Injury (DCoE) Outreach Center can be contacted at 1-866-966-1020, via electronic mail at Resources@DCoEOutreach.org and at http://www.dcoe.health.mil.

The website for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is http://www.afsp.org/, and the Suicide Prevention Resource Council site is found at http://www.sprc.org/index.asp.

In a lecture to colleagues, a Madigan Army Medical Center psychiatrist said a soldier who retires with a post-traumatic-stress-disorder diagnosis could eventually receive $1.5 million in government payments, according to a memo by a Western Regional Medical Command ombudsman who attended the September presentation

The psychiatrist went on to claim the rate of such diagnoses eventually could cause the Army and Department of Veterans Affairs to go broke (By Hal Bernton, Seattle Times staff reporter).

We did not hit the lottery because we get this diagnosis, this in not a windfall or something special in terms of winning. The diagnosis for PTSD is not permanent as it suggests, we are subject to reviews yearly and can be called to come before the Compensation and Pension Board. The 100% rating is a living wage paid monthly to us while we heal, and some of us may never heal completely. Most of us do not get the 100% rating, to suggest that this is the normal ‘payout’ for this detrimental psychiatric wound is dead wrong. Most veterans diagnosed with PTSD carry a 30% rating, not much to live on.

The system is overloaded not because of fraud which research shows is under 1% at the VA; the problem is not veterans or soldiers trying to work the system. The problem is not taking care of our soldiers and veterans when they become symptomatic, its not taking them seriously when they get home. This type of culture in the military and the VA effectively keeps soldiers and veterans from getting help in the beginning when it would do the most good.

As axiomatic to veterans as the oath they swore to defend the U.S. Constitution is the reality that a veteran filing a disability benefit claim encounters the VA’s ‘deny-delay-and-hope-you-die’ culture (Micheal Leon, Veterans Today).

It is sad that the we are being labeled as malingerer’s again by another government organization trying to balance their budgets. I was called a malingerer to my face by nurses, doctors, psychiatrists and many people at the VA for the first 5 to 10 years due to a hostile culture towards veterans in the 90s in Louisville, KY (VA is better now in Kentucky). It was after the overwhelming evidence from the wreckage of my life I was finally diagnosed with PTSD in 2005 and received my 80% compensation in 2010.

I was actually service-connected in 2002 with hearing loss and tinnitus due to enemy artillery, but they had issues with reconciling my personal combat experience with the way Desert Storm was portrayed in the media; the myth that the First Gulf War was a bloodless conflict of buttons and smart-bombs. When I told them of the Highway of Death and driving seven (7) days without sleep, about what it looks like to see the world erupt in so much death in so little time; the 100 Hour Ground War was an enemy meat grinder. I was the Point Driver, an Mechanized Infantry Soldier leading our Main Battle Tanks to the enemy. My vehicle led 5,000 men into combat in the Biggest Tank Battle in the History of War. Driving in between explosions, mind screaming to go anywhere but here. I’m looking to move a brigade, not just myself. I am scanning the immediate ground and the terrain for the best movement for our unit, the landscape has a moon quality due to all the craters erupting from explosion after explosions. Their artillery was as good as ours, I hear it most days, boom, boom, boom in the distance, but when the detonation is near you can feel the meat in your body shake like jelly and you try and control your movements to keep going, no time to die.

We operated at exponentially high stress rates everyday of our deployments, living on the edge of life and death to serve our country and freedom. Knowing you should have died a hundred times can leave us numb to everything; our loved ones included. This country owes those who cannot cope with life or make sense of what we did and saw in combat; this may take decades. That is what we should focus on, how do we reduce the amount of time it takes to reconcile war trauma so that we may live without the red vistas of war spraying all over our reality today.

Any therapist or psychiatrist worth their salt can discern malingering, lets test them on that and not the veteran. To blame the soldiers or veterans just alienates them further and reinforces “If you go forward with asking for help then you cannot be trusted.” We loose 18 to 22 veterans a day to suicide, this culture of denial is killing more of our soldiers and veterans then the last 10 years of war, over 60,000 veterans to suicide in the last ten years. That’s not counting the suicide in the military.

Great blog!
I’ve been working with Combat PTSD Vets for 11 years. It brought up a couple things for me and I’d have to agree w/ the survey. There are out there what I call “Wanna bes”, which is about one or two percent of those I’ve worked with. However what sux is those 1 to 2 % ruin it for those who do have it and do need the benef

Cant help but note you have a sidebar the Support our Incarcerated Veterans. I was giving a lecture on how to start a PTSD program in confinement. Question from Head of Army Clemency & Parole Board: “How do you know if someone was where they say they was or was really deployed , where they say the are?”

My answere after I showed some assessment tools and and other ways I work to sort out the wannabes: When I’m counseling someone one I can notice the differnce in the way a person reacts when they say i was sniper andI 10 confirmed kills and he’s talking about it like, how aabout those Bears!” And The way a person describes what was like to be in the midst of a firefight have a buddy beed out in his arms and questioning himself, if i only would of … he night be alive today!” His affect, emotion and how he can barely get the words out with tears streaming down his cheeks.

I guess my answere wasn’t good emough because she went to the head man of military confinement and told him we could be misdiagnosing our guys and giving them clemeny & parole they might not desrve. So i walked into that shit storm after vi returned back to work after visiting my son who just returned from Afghanistan,

It also brought up a few more thought.

One) alot of GWI vets got the parades & then the period of thanks by America. You guys kicked thier ass, 100 days. Yee haa! How ever Non -military civilians don’t realize there was the build up. The war and worse yet the aftermath plus all the other factors oil well fires, death, chemicals, depleted uranium, anthrax shots etc. Then after the hoopla America forgot.

2)Then there was were you in direct combat how do we know what you saw can cause pTSD, lets detemine that with out the person asking the questions with being in war an its environment. How do you know what they saw? I’ve seen many veterans suffer in poverty while some idiot trys to figure this out and then come back & say, “We need more information. Or we can’t explain what you have because it hasn’t been given a name.”

3) Just like alcoholism not all cases of PTSD are not as severe as others, but does that mean a person does not have it. Who is qualified to say whose demons that haunt the soul of someone with PTSD, Combat Stress, Post Deployment Operational Stress Deployment what ever name one choses call it, is not as bad as his or hers.

Bottom line PTSD f’s one up physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Plus the loss of innoccence that the world is safe. These individuals gave ,so it is up to our country not to forget, be it in the honor or the compensation for those who gave while others sit on thier assess and decide if we should go to war or not.

Maybe the bean counters who send us to some wars we don’t need to be in should count the post cost of war and its devestation after the war. Before jumping into a war.

Thanks for all of you have served may you get the honor & the compensation you ddserve!

In the first two years after I got home, the only times I would cry would be in packed grocery stores. I didn’t cry in therapy until recently, after 15 years. I was always jacked up, emotional and confrontational even. Had I had a therapist who could have gotten past their petty reactions, a social worker less depressed then me or an empathetic practitioner who could have opened a therapeutic window so they may intuitively guide me through the landmine field residing in my consciousness in the first two years I may not have had a lifetime of emotional and spiritual pain. If you were looking for me to cry in therapy you would have labeled me a malingerer.

Second, the last post was not about a survey; it was about a memo from a therapist who gave an opinion based in his beliefs, not in facts or recent events such as the Veterans Administrations investigation. The Army took a reactionary response to a burnt out therapist who cannot get past thinking about the LESS than 1% and concentrate on the other 99 Combat Veterans who walk in the door. Thirdly, the less than 1% are not the issue that matters. Hold them responsible, yes. Tie their integrity to mine? I have issues with that. Their deception is not a good reason to jeopardize or threaten my benefits.

If we held financial institutions to the same standard we would not have banks or money. The research and investigations so far show a low fraud rate, to suspect every veteran who walks through the door is counterproductive to a healing environment and not grounded in evidence based science or facts.

Why are we talking about the ONE puke out of a hundred and attributing his behavior to veterans asking for help? That maintains the culture of disbelief in the military and the VA, and blocks the fostering of rapport building, a crucial first step in therapy. I have gone through dozens of therapist for many of these kinds of reasons. Right out of the gate I have always told the doctors and therapist what was going on with me as explicit in detail as I could about the flashbacks and what I was experiencing. Mostly I saw disbelief in their eyes, and many told me directly to my face that I was lying. Decades stacked up this way, I would not get help because a therapist had a idea of what to expect from a combat veteran.

I am usually very agitated and stressed in therapy sessions because I know I am going all in. I would probably seem excited to the person looking for it, but my anxiety level gets me all jazzed up talking about my combat experiences. There are many reasons why a combat veteran would seem excited or want to talk about their combat experiences to an empathetic therapist. For me, every time I went into therapy I was at my wits end, it is always kill myself or go and try and get help. So I spill my beans, all of them, I regurgitate the undigested contents of my emotional stomach. We assume therapists are empathetic, but from my experience most are not.

I went through so many hack therapists at the VA it is a joke, but let’s not talk about that real issue. They have their checklists and surveys to go by and cannot connect in a meaningful way to facilitate healing. A therapeutic window is the term used, whereby an empathetic connection between the therapist and client enables a safe place for exploration of traumatic events. I finally wound up with the department head as my psychiatrist and I will only see a therapist he recommends.

We are killing our veterans by treating everyone of them who walk in the door as though they are faking PTSD! We already know we will be treated as malingerers if we ask for help. One of the tasks for us sadly is finding a therapist who will not let their personal beliefs and issues leak into the therapy sessions.

Along with the mental health issues where I perform the equivalence of aerial acrobatics in a paper airplane with an elephant pilot. Yeah, go read that again.  I have recently started taking a new anti-depressant, Lexapro to help with the seasonal depression which buffers the chronic depression this last year. Since I have a “sensitivity” to such medications I get the distinction of trying novel and ‘off label’ usage of medications. Or I get to be first again, leading the way with taking new medications where hundreds of thousands of veterans will go!

The year 2011 was a year of grieving and mourning; I went into an inpatient PTSD program in Memphis, TN. Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) is a tremendous tool I was able to learn and apply to novel ways of processing my war trauma. Long story short, I was able to reconcile and mourn 5 marine deaths. In doing so it unblocked a flood of mourning for my grandmother, mother, father and friends who had died since 1991. The year 2011 was the year I took my soul back.

Other symptoms of the Combat PTSD Veteran? Toxic levels of stress hormones and chemicals in the body can cause muscle and nerve damage over years from constant flooding of the body.  Stomach ulcers, acid re-flux and chronic bowel problems.  Then there are the side effects from the medications starting with erectile dysfunction to treat chronic PTSD and the depression that goes with it (I take 9, down from 15 two years ago). If you or a loved one is not on top of your medications they can kill you!

Speaking of family and loved ones. We have the propensity to push everyone away and many of us will alienate the people we need the most. Combined with a sense of loss of community, no wonder we are still loosing veterans at a rate of 18 a day.  I have the gift of hindsight for all the good it does me in repairing some relationships, if I can manage to keep dodging those land mines! Yeah, the flashbacks. We don’t talk about those for two reasons; one because they scare the hell out of us and two, most of us don’t have the language to describe it (I do, drop me a line).

Keep coming back,

Scott

For those of you who don’t know me, I go by a couple of writing handles and identities; Roman General and most recently Combat PTSD Blogger on Facebook. I started writing at PTSD: A Soldier’s Perspective in 2007 and in 2008 CJ contacted me to begin writing here. He asked me to come back to keep the conversation moving forward on Combat PTSD.

I have lived with Post-traumatic Stress Disorder for 20 years following the First Gulf War in 1991. It affects me daily; hallucinations both audio and visual depending on my stress level and the dissociative features strewn about for effect.

Many myths surround this conflict and part of my mission is dispel the media portrayal of it as a war of buttons and bombs. It was the largest tank battle in the history of war and we fought an enemy that died to the man. My brigade was credited with over 20,000 enemy casualties in the 100 Hour Ground War and I drove on point.

Join me here where I will chronicle my life and how Combat PTSD relates to my everyday existence.

Thank you,

Scott Lee

I met with my social worker today for a counseling session and to give him a sense of where I am. We came to a few conclusions that I want to share. He helped me understand why I made a few decisions that I made in seeking out another deployment.

As many of you know, part of my PTSD comes from an artillery strike in the early days of the war in 2003. The Iraqis were able to walk artillery in on us by virtue of our convoy stalled on a high road and unable to turn around expeditiously. As such, I had the pleasure of basically having to sit there and hope it didn’t hit me. It did.

Throughout the war, numerous explosions and detonations occurred near me that led to my symptoms. RPGs whizzed literally inches from my head. 7.62 AK rounds cracked the surrounding air, violently shoving their way towards their target. The sounds of war are unmistakable. If you’ve never experienced it, the closest thing to reality that I’ve seen are the opening scenes to Saving Private Ryan. To fully gain perspective, though, you’ll need a good surround sound system. You probably also shouldn’t live in a townhouse. Turn that sucker up just enough to make it uncomfortable and you’ll get an idea.

Anyway, I had explained to Doc one of the reasons I wanted to deploy was to, I think, gain some closure. I felt like I needed to come back and experience combat again in order to deal with the experiences of last time. My initial intention was do what I’m currently doing and eventually weasel my way back into the fight. By fight, I don’t necessarily mean actually having to pull the trigger, but to just be able to walk the streets and conduct my normal mission.

Even without coming under fire, my job can be a stressful one because it involves walking through the neighborhoods and speaking to people that may or may not want to kill me. There is a heightened sense of attention to detail out there. Every day is a thrill and Doc said that many folks with PTSD want to relive that as a way to overcome their anxiety issues.

It made perfect sense, even though I may not have recognized it. In order to cope with getting shot at, blown up, and barely surviving I had to get shot at, nearly blown up, and fight for my life. Turns out, I came to the right place anyway.

In the first few nights here, I heard the sounds of combat I came to expect from my experience. Bombs exploding, A-10s rocking the Gatling, and jets streaking across the sky. The first few weeks weeks were rough.

Kandahar is the birthplace of the Taliban so it made sense to me that there would be sustained and heavy combat around me. Turns out that our living area is near a major range where AC-130 gunships, A-10s and other aviation assets sight in their weapons. Controlled detonations also occurred on this range.

The sounds I thought were combat were coming from a range, not a real threat. But, before I recognized that, I was able to learn to process the sounds of combat and put my anxiety control methods to work that I had learned over the past two years. I no longer grab my rifle with the expectation of a phone call to man the perimeter – though I’m always ready.

Another good thing about living on Kandahar – if it can be called that – are all the indirect fire attacks we have here. The Taliban are good at lobbing 107mm mortars and rockets at us. But a 107mm mortar has a much different sound than a 155mm artillery shell. But, the explosions that I’ve been near when they landed (not unsafely near) also added to my recovery.

I don’t know if that makes sense or not, but it does. The Lord has a funny way of helping us. Initially, I was complaining at having to be stuck at KAF for my entire deployment. However, it turns out that being here has actually been quite therapeutic. I’ve been able to face the very things that have chased me since 2003 and resolve them in my head.

Doc explained that what I’m experiencing professionals call “prolonged exposure therapy.” Many hospitals are using this method to treat Soldiers with PTSD across the country. Since many Soldiers have already left military service, they don’t exactly have the opportunity that I have to come back and face those experiences. So, programs have been created using scenarios in virtual realities to approach those same trauma-related thoughts, feelings, and situations that may have been avoided due to the distress they cause.

Another treatment is called “cognitive processing therapy.” In essence, this type of therapy helps you to understand and cope with those feelings and thoughts that won’t seem to go away. It provides an alternative rational for dealing with what are essentially irrational thoughts. One of the problems of PTSD is the feeling that threats are everywhere. CPT helps to train your brain that these threats don’t exist and how to handle those feelings when they pop up.

Through both types of therapy, I’ve come to recognize nearly instantly when I wake up to a perceived attack every time I hear an explosion that the most likely cause is training. I usually take a few minutes to make sure and listen for any alarms. If none are sounded, I’m able to convince myself that there is no threat and actually fall back asleep.

This progress didn’t happen overnight. It’s taken me nearly two years (and about 60 rocket attacks since arriving in theater). I still get anxious during a rocket attack, but that is a natural reaction. I also understand that my life is in the hands of God. If it’s my time, it’s my time. I can’t shoot a rocket out of the sky and I can’t redirect its path. So, I have to do whatever I can to stay alive.

Another good thing I’ve done is that I recently fired Doctor Grisham. He’s the guy that keeps telling me it’s okay to stop taking my anxiety medications. My other Doc made the suggestion and I took his advice. I even had his “license” revoked so he doesn’t try practicing his destructive medicine on others. The medications have helped to regulate my moods, especially anger and frustration. And contrary to some ignorant people’s ignorant ramblings, this anger and frustration doesn’t make me violent.

On Thursday, I will restart group therapy as well. This is a necessity that I sorely needed in Ft. Hood, but never found. Not only do I need the camaraderie that comes with meeting with fellow veterans that have faced similar experiences that I have, but I think it’s the responsibility of survivors to share their stories and methods of success with others still struggling. That is one reason why I’m working on a proposal to develop a new program within the Army that focuses on using survivors to help the struggling. I also refuse to allow certain individuals to affect me emotionally, personally, mentally, or professionally in spite of their best failing efforts.

The bottom line is that progress is again being made. I’m dedicated to getting better and being there for my family. I think the military is doing it right with the programs available in theater to assure this progress for me and so many others. We’ve learned something over the years.

I’m not going to make this post a contentious one in which I succumb to the stereotypes that some nameless “writers” have about PTSD. There are litigious ways to deal with those. PTSD affects everyone differently. I believe there are two types of people with PTSD: those who seek help and those that think everyone else is the problem.

PTSD is not limited to military personnel. People that survive horrible car crashes can suffer from PTSD. The survivors from the 9/11 terrorist attacks probably suffer from it. Someone that is robbed at gunpoint or raped is prone to it. I have no doubt that there is an element of it present at mortuaries where people are constantly subjected to bodies that suffered grizzly and inhumane deaths or are in various stages of decay. In other words, it’s a common reaction by people to a particular stressor in life and people react to it in different ways.

Personally, I fell into the second category for too many years. I refused to admit that there was anything wrong with me. I didn’t recognize immediately that I had become reclusive, bitter, angry, and just downright hard to get along with. The one thing I never became was either violent or criminal. I always found an outlet for my anger, whether in writing, playing games, watching movies, whatever.

While I’m by no means “cured” of PTSD, I’ve learned some very dynamic and specialized coping strategies. Through that process of learning, I’ve openly shared my experiences through the darkness that can embrace people with PTSD. I did so in direct contradiction to what many people recommended. I was told that my PTSD would be used against me because either people didn’t understand or they didn’t WANT to understand. I took the Army at its word and began a very public outreach to both heal myself and hopefully help others suffering.

I’m actually in the process of writing a book about PTSD and my journey to recovery – which I don’t think will ever truly end. Through this process I’ve met and spoken with numerous veterans from various conflicts and wars. It blows me away that some of these guys lived with their pain for 40 years before seeking help! I can’t imagine life like that. Six years was bad enough. I’ve learned a lot of coping skills and activities that have helped. I became an avid shooter and began geocaching. I also turned to writing and helping others Soldiers cope. I helped III Corps with some PSA on suicide prevention.

While I trusted the Army and the government at large to be true to its word, what I didn’t take into account was how biased and ignorant the general populace is about PTSD. Likewise, I was ignorant to the fact that some people would try to use my PTSD against me to achieve their own personal motives. Let’s face it, the only time most Americans hear about PTSD is when someone diagnosed with it kills someone (or a lot of people) or commits some other violent crime. Those are the big stories that become the stereotype of Soldiers with PTSD. In my experience, those Soldiers represent about 1% of the PTSD population, if even that.

If not treated, PTSD makes those that have endured traumatic events more prone to feeling threatened in many situations, even when the feeling of threat is not warranted. Some may act on impulse or go to extremes to protect themselves. They invent threats where none exist. Very simple actions and conversations suddenly become threatening without basis in fact or logic.

There has been no definitive study conducted that links PTSD with criminal behavior. There are many different studies out there, many of which I’ve read. Some of them I’ve even had to purchase. While PTSD does seem to increase the possibility that one will commit crimes, it is not a definite link that deserves such a broad brush painted on those that have it, especially those that have sought to overcome it.

Personally, the only time I ever got in trouble was when I was a kid in Jacksonville, FL, at about 14 years old. I got caught shoplifting deodorant, of all things. I wasn’t charged with anything and ended up agreeing to do 50 hours of community service on the weekends at a creepy city cemetery. I also went through something called the Scared Straight program. This entailed me and a few other kids taking a tour through the county jail. It was a traumatizing event. Being the youngest and smallest kid there, I didn’t feel comfortable with all those inmates pawing at me and asking for time alone. I was definitely scared straight.

It’s sad that when one, semi-influential member of the media uses the PTSD argument to justify claims of threat, malice, violence, or mental incapacity that so many people will so quickly and easily agree to those claims. “He wrote about PTSD, so he MUST be a violent person.” “He has PTSD so shouldn’t be allowed to carry a gun.”

In the movie “Full Metal Jacket,” Gunnery Sergeant Harman, played by the most awesome R. Lee Ermy, gets angry during a barracks inspection after one of the G.I.’s uses a John Wayne impression. I can’t embed the video, so you’ll have to click the link. Be mindful that the video contains a LOT of profanity.

In that clip, GySgt Harman says a bunch of things in response. For one, he asks who “just signed his own death warrant.” Do you think that person REALLY signed their own death warrant? Obviously not, at least not to anyone with common sense. He says he will PT the Marines “until you all die.” Was this a true statement? Again, no. Basic training used to be filled with this kind of over-the-top scare tactics before we became soft and touchy-feely and no one ever had to sign a death warrant or “beat their face.” Finally, Private Joker admits that he is the one that made the impression. Harman then tells him, “You had best unf**k yourself or I will unscrew your head and s#!t down your neck!”

This phrase has been used in many situations throughout our history. Was Ermy’s character REALLY going to take off that Private’s head and defecate down his neck? Of course not. The phrase has been used by Old Man Johnson down the street: “If you damn kids cut through my yard again, I’m gonna come out there and rip off your head and crap down your neck!” It’s obviously urban slang used throughout American society and especially within the military. Now if Jeffrey Dahmer said it, I might take it a little more seriously.

Anyone that actually served in the military understands what this means. It means that what you said or did was disrespectful, wrong, unwarranted, unwanted, unbelievable, etc. and that the another person isn’t very happy about it.

I recently read a story where a supposed “writer” was talking about the death of a Soldier. The unit the “writer” is embedded with has suffered many casualties during their deployment, which ends soon. I have friends in that unit that have expressed disgust with how this “writer” has completely disrespected their last two memorial ceremonies by getting in everyone’s faces and taking photos. While people were talking or grieving, he’d walk around taking photos, the audible “click, click, click” of his camera disrupting the services.

In this piece I read, the “writer” explained in dramatic and gory detail exactly how this Soldier had died – lying face down in the dirt, missing his arms and legs. When asked if he was okay, the Soldier responded affirmatively – either recognizing that he was about to die and didn’t want to worry his fellow troops or not realizing the gravity of his situation due to shock.

I took great disgust in this hit piece on the integrity and honor of this Soldier’s sacrifice being laid out in such gory detail for the world to see. But, it’s not the casual reader I care about. What bothers me is that this young Soldier has a family. He has a mother and father that one day will read this account and realize that their son died a painful and horrible death, face down in the dirt! It’s unconscionable that a responsible “writer” with a supposed military background would publish such details.

I’m not suggesting that family’s should be lied to about how their kids died in combat, but unless they specifically ASK for the details of that death they should be protected from having to suffer it. Many families don’t WANT to know those sorts of details. Yes, they want to know that he died on patrol or during a rocket attack, but not that his brains were splattered across the pavement while trying to gasp for that last breath of air, the way one Soldier died in my arms in Iraq. Most just want to know that he didn’t die in pain surrounded by troops that love him and tried their best to save them.

Naturally, I was angry at this lack of journalistic integrity and discretion. Immediately calling upon phrases and slang I’ve heard my entire life, I mentioned how much I thought the piece was out of line and paraphrased Gunny Sergeant Harman’s words to Private Joker.

In typical fashion, my words were taken out of context and falsely manipulated into a direct threat. The “blogger/journalist/writer/photographer” decided to use his bully pulpit to settle a score that he’s been rabidly trying to settle since I called him out on OPSEC violations years ago. I’ve been through the same song and dance with this individual many times and each time it’s noted for what it is – whining.

Here is the full context of what I wrote after reading the story of that Soldier that died last week. Another person, equally upset over the content of that story had commented that they should share what Yon is writing on the unit’s page. Another individual remarked – wisely – that it would only make matters worse. I responded:

I agree. I have no doubt that his wife or mother read the [unit's Facebook] page. I’m positive they don’t read [said writer], but one day they’re going to do a Google search on their loved one, and that ass monkey of a sorry excuse for flesh and cold blood will come up with that information! I want to rip his head off and piss down his windpipe!

Now, to the casual observer with even an inkling of common sense, ask yourself some questions.

1. Is CJ REALLY going to rip off someone’s head and piss down his windpipe?
2. Is it even POSSIBLE to rip off someone’s head and piss down their windpipe?
3. What actions has CJ committed in the past that give any indication he WOULD do something like that even if he could?
4. Is this is a common expression used to denote an angry attitude and dissatisfaction at someone’s else’s mistakes?

The answers are obvious, especially to someone with a real military background. Nowhere did I say, “I will rip off his head and piss down his throat.” There are a lot of things that I’d like to do or want to do, but never will because they are morally, religiously, legally, or impossibly wrong. So, one can only deduce that the “writer” of those lies is intentionally misleading people by ONLY commenting on a single portion of a full quote. By inventing threats where none exist, the “writer” is easily able to influence an audience that is ignorant and subservient to the whims of anything typed into a status window on a social media site.

To be fair, I’m not entirely innocent in regard to this particular issue. I gave entirely too much credit to the history, background, accomplishment, mental capacity, and reasoning ability of the “writer” and his followers when I wrote that. I neglected to notice that he no longer wanted to be treated like a former SF-qualified Soldier and more like a run of the mil civilian without an inkling of understanding about how the military works. It is possible that someone like that with an ax to grind could PERCEIVE a threat where none exists.

Remember what I said about PTSD earlier? PTSD makes those that have endured traumatic events more prone to feeling threatened in many situations, even when the feeling of threat is not warranted. This “writer” has been embedded with many units and claims to be the longest embedded “writer” in history. So, there is no doubt that he has probably seen some pretty nasty things. I know he has no compunction against sharing them.

It’s quite possible that this individual is suffering from an extreme case of PTSD as well. I wouldn’t be the first to suggest it, that’s for sure. His actions over the past few years have gotten progressively worse and more arrogant. He’s expressed anger and frustration when he didn’t get his way. These are natural reactions to stressors. Feeling the need to be always “on guard” can cause survivors to see threat in normal situations. As a result, they may go to extremes to try to protect themselves. High levels of arousal may result in impulsive, irrational behavior that goes beyond what is needed to address the perceived threat.

But, there is a significant difference between me and this “writer”: I sought help and got it when people noted that I had changed! I’ve learned how to deal with and manage my stress. I no longer need to hide my weaknesses and know where to go when I feel those issues rising up in me. I possess coping mechanisms to deal with those stresses and no longer need to drag other people down with me when I don’t get my way. It’s common for someone with PTSD to project their shortcomings onto others when they are cornered or can’t meet expectations. Keep in mind that no one reached out to me personally to qualify my statement let me know they feel like something I did or said threatened or offended them. I’ve seen privates do this! It’s not difficult. But, I’m always available and easy to contact. The door is always opening to learn what I’ve learned. I’m always willing to share my coping skills with anyone needing them.

Now, to all those that are worried about me as the pressure and stress builds as a result of outlandish claims against me, don’t worry. I’m fine. While I’m not cured of PTSD, I know how to manage these issues. My heartrate hasn’t risen, I’m not nervous, I’m not suffering any increased levels of anxiety. I don’t let people get to me, especially inconsequential ones. I have a mission that I am focused on and I will remain focused. I will not be badgered into killing myself like the last Soldier this “writer” went after obsessively. He probably didn’t have the support network or experience I have and I truly feel sorry for that Soldier. I wish I could have told him that this bully was not worth dying over. I won’t give him the pleasure of driving me to suicide. I won’t give him the pleasure of driving me to homocide. The only thing I like to kill are enemy Taliban and AQ fighters, skunks, raccoons, and coyotes! I’m hoping to enjoy killing at least one deer or hog when I get back too! I also like to kill rumors, especially false ones.

Let me state something matter of fact: PTSD is NOT an excuse to commit crimes. No one with PTSD should be given quarter for serious violent crimes that injure or kill others needlessly. I won’t subscribe to that hooey and I won’t be someone that spreads that myth.

The truth is that most Soldiers with PTSD who commit violent crimes already had criminal backgrounds before their diagnosis. I’ve never been arrested for anything in my life – to include my 14-year old shoplifting experience. I don’t have a criminal background. Before this “journalist” came along, I never had issues with the military either!

My PTSD is NOT the cause of my anger. Writing disgusting accounts of how our Fallen Heroes die to get a few Paypal donations is what causes my anger. When I think of what will be going through the mind of that mother, sister, wife or family member having to read that, I’m physically ill. I’m not saying he doesn’t have the right to write it; I’m saying he should have had better judgment. And the fact that he’s making a living writing such things didn’t sit well with me. It still doesn’t sit well with me. My fault lies in not crafting my disgust and outrage in a manner that wouldn’t be twisted for selfish reasons.

Yes, I still have anger issues, but they are internal. Rarely do they ever manifest outwardly anymore (except to my wife who can read me like a book no matter how hard I try to hide it). NEVER does it manifest itself physically. Never has and it never will. Anyone that tells you I’m a danger to anyone is a liar, a manipulator, and downright ignorant. Everyone that knows me can tell you that, even the ones that know me and don’t like me.

As I said in my response on Twitter to this individual: “You can bend it and twist it; You can misuse and abuse it; But even God cannot change the Truth.” God IS truth and His judgment is all I await. He will not give me any challenge I cannot overcome, “for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength.” I believe those words. I live those words.

I also believe these words: “I know my Soldiers and I will always place their needs above my own.” I treat every Soldier as if they’re my Soldier. If I am ruined for trying to protect the dignity and honor of a Fallen Brother and fellow Soldier, I readily accept that result based on my faith and allegiance to my oath. If I am guilty of something, it’s caring too much for their memory.

I have gone through this before – false claims levied against me – and I’ve always gotten through it. Like Rodney Atkins says:

Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I’d fall right into the trap that they were laying, yeah

But the good news
Is there’s angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one’s that you’ve been dragging for so long
You’re on your knees
You might as well be praying
Guess what I’m saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don’t slow down
If you’re scared don’t show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you’re there

There are always going to be bumps in the road that slow our progress. The key to navigating them is to drive a 4-wheel life! I’ll get through it. I’m not going to stress over it. I’ve got eight more months left here and a real mission to accomplish. I’ve got Soldiers I need to take care of through near-daily rocket attacks, complex and last minute missions, and sustained operations.

I’m thankful for the friends I made from the last time this “writer” tried this crap. I’m thankful that some of his readers contacted me directly first to understand my side of the situation. Yes, there are ALWAYS two sides to every story. I guess there is always some good that comes out of these attacks and I welcome any new friends after this round.

Now, for the minions out there that need to understand a few legal terms they’re likely to soon encounter because they still don’t get it:

Libel - to publish in print (including pictures), writing or broadcast through radio, television or film, an untruth about another which will do harm to that person or his/her reputation, by tending to bring the target into ridicule, hatred, scorn or contempt of others. It is a tort (civil wrong) making the person or entity (like a newspaper, magazine or political organization) open to a lawsuit for damages by the person who can prove the statement about him/her was a lie. This would include any publication or news agency – including Facebook postings, Big Peace and Fox News – that also publishes the libelous writings.

Defamation - the act of making untrue statements about another which damages his/her reputation. Some statements such as an accusation of having committed a crime, having a feared disease or being unable to perform one’s occupation are called libel per se or slander per se and can more easily lead to large money awards in court and even punitive damage recovery by the person harmed.

Slander - oral defamation, in which someone tells one or more persons an untruth about another, which untruth will harm the reputation of the person defamed. Slander is a civil wrong (tort) and can be the basis for a lawsuit.

According to the Department of Veterans Affairs, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is defined as a condition resulting from exposure to direct or indirect threat of death, serious injury or a physical threat” (VA, 2010, p.1).The recent analysis and reporting on PTSD by Veterans groups and the medical community is commendable. According to the Department of Veterans Affairs in June 2010, there were 171,423 deployed Iraq and Afghanistan war veterans diagnosed with PTSD, out of total of 593,634 patients treated by VA (www.va.gov). Thus far  84,005 Operation Enduring Freedom (OEF) and Operation Iraqi Freedom (OIF) veteran patients have been granted VA disability compensation; of that about half for PTSD.Often disregarded is the fact that many of our wounded veterans are surviving injuries that would have resulted in their fatality in wars past. Given the escalating costs of medical care and budget constraints it will be interesting to see if Congress maintains it’s commitment to supporting the troops after they have left the battlefield.

To read the rest of this blog or more like it check out http://thefrontlines.com Or if you have a question or comment please email me at askthewarrant@thefrontlines.com. Thank you.

Very respectfully,

The “Warrant”

Fronts Change. Memories Don’t

In June, I hit rock bottom. I felt like a loser because I could not be the Soldier I wanted to be. Due to my injury, there isn’t a lot I can do by way of typical Army physical training. No running, no sit-ups, and barely able to max push-ups anymore. Walking fast enough to get a workout leaves me in more pain, which I’ve been dealing with since my injury outside As Samawah on 23 March 2003. Dealing with pain wears a person down and I struggle to find a balance between medicating the pain away or dealing with it (which I typically do). My wife says I’m addicted to pain to explain why I often refuse to take medication. The truth is that when I feel pain, I know I’m still alive.

I had been separated from my family for over six months due to my issues with my last unit and the Huntsville City School system. My “rock” wasn’t there to help keep me sane and I tended to overreact to every argument. After moving to Fort Hood, I stopped my normal counseling sessions to focus on my new job. Additionally, my anti-depressant medication expired and in order to get a new prescription refill, I had to go to the hospital on main post (I’m on West Fort Hood). I kept putting it off and days became weeks which became months. Add to that, the small little arguments that all couples have (especially when married to a hard head like me) and it was the perfect recipe for disaster.

I had it. I was over my threshhold and could no longer sustain the weight of the world. I suddenly found myself literally curled into a ball on my carpet at the foot of my bed. My mind began racing through scenarios of how I could end the pain, both physically and mentally – permanently. I was surrounded by over a dozen firearms, most of which were locked and loaded, all of which had ammo readily available. I had a full prescription of Vicodin and other pain managment pills. Did I want to go slowly or quickly; clean or make a mess?

I chose neither and recognized a third choice – call someone NOW! I called my mother and for the first time in more than 20 years she had to listen to her 36-year old son barely able to speak through strong tears and heavy breathing. She had to deal with a mentally expired shell of a person trying to talk himself out of making a fateful decision. She was speaking to a Master Sergeant in the United States Army with 16 years of experience under his belt unable to make a rational decision and provided the comfort and words needed to bring me back from the brink of personal disaster. A literal and figurative darkness that started at about 10pm on Sunday night didn’t end until well after midnight.

I made that choice because subconsciously I knew that no matter how much I was hurting, surely I had something to live for. And I did. Was I really going through something that was more important than my life? Or did I just FEEL that way? Consciously, I was through and didn’t want to fight anymore. I’m a resilient guy and can do anything I set my mind to (except running and sit-ups!). For more than an hour, my mother calmed her desperate son and held me tightly through the phone. She didn’t let go until she was convinced I was okay and wouldn’t do anything stupid.

Do you dream that the world will know your name,
So tell me your name
And do you care, about all the little things,
Or anything at all (anything at all),

I wanna feel all the chemicals inside,
I wanna feel (I wanna feel),
I wanna sunburn just to know that I’m alive,
To know I’m alive (to know if I’m alive),
…
Do you believe in the day that you were born,
Tell me do you believe,
And do you know that every day’s the first of the rest of your life,

Don’t tell me if I’m dying,
Cause I don’t wanna know,
If I can’t see the sun,
Maybe I should go,
Don’t wake me cause I’m dreaming,
Of angels on the moon,
Where everyone you know,
Never leaves too soon

Artist: Thriving Ivory
Song: Angels On The Moon

After hanging up with my mother, she convinced to call my wife and I bore my soul to her. I honestly don’t remember much of either conversation. I don’t understand how I got to where I was that night. I don’t know how my mind could have possibly gotten so degraded that I actually contemplated suicide. What I do know is that I didn’t give up on life and made those calls to the two people I least wanted to see (or hear) me in that condition. But, I knew that they loved me and cared for me. They would be the most affected if I ended my life and they deserved the opportunity to let me know.

Suicide is such a selfish act that doesn’t just affect the poor schmuck that has to clean up the carpets or identify the body. It affects friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, leaders, peers and subordinates alike. All these people are left with unimaginable guilt about what they could have or should have done differently that may have saved your life. Those with children leave behind tortured souls that must reconcile why their father or mother took his or her life. Children of a parent that just TRIES to commit suicide are six times more likely to attempt suicide themselves. With that in mind, think of the love you have for your kids and ask yourself how you would feel if they committed suicide.

Nothing in this life is worth taking yours over. NOTHING. In those moments curled in a ball and crying into the receiver of a phone, I thought that I had nothing left to offer the world. People wouldn’t have to worry about me any longer. All my failures (or perceived failures) would be forgotten. I would become a numerical statistic and nothing more. But, I would have been wrong.

I look at everything I’ve done and seen just since June. I look at the lives I’ve touched, the conversations I’ve had, and the beautiful sunsets I’ve seen. I think about those hours mowing the lawn where I get to plug into some good music and just be outside with the wind kissing my face. I think about the nights cuddled up with the love of my life at the end of a long day or tickling my children until they think they’re going to pee themselves. I would have missed shopping for phones as the kids grew up, teaching them how to drive, and giving away my girls when they get married (in 30 years after I’ve found a suitable groom). I would have missed the Soldiers that have come into my office and asked to shut my door so that they could open to me about their problems. The list goes on and on.

NOTHING IN THIS LIFE IS WORTH TAKING YOURS! Depression sucks more than anything I’ve ever had to deal with. It utterly frustrating to never feel like getting out of the bed and facing the world. It sucks pretending to be happy all the time. But, you learn to deal with it. You lean on those that love you and talk through these problems with a counselor.

If you take nothing away from this, understand that when depression takes over, don’t take your life. Take your life back! Be the better person and find SOMEONE to talk to. The next day after surviving the night I went immediately to my chaplain. I spoke with a peer and good friend in my section.

If you are a military leader there is something you need to understand. After a suicide, there are always speeches and training classes that tell us we need to be there for our troops. While it’s true that if our troops stop coming to us with their problems we have ceased to be good leaders, we can’t pretend to think that they will come to us with everything. But, we need to be there for them anyway and create an environment where we ARE approachable and sensitive to their individual needs. When I needed to call someone that night, my military leaders, peers, and subordinates were the LAST people I thought about. But, I had SOMEONE to call. If you don’t have someone to call, then please DO call those leaders! I’m not saying that you should avoid calling your leaders at any cost because that’s what we are here for. With that said, you need to call someone and be honest with yourself. If you think you have no one to call, remember you ALWAYS have someone to call – a squad leader, a platoon sergeant, a fellow troop, the 1SG, the commander, the Colonel, the Sergeant Major, I could go on and on. Senior leaders are well trained to handle these issues and I hope that we have learned to take these pleas for help seriously and act accordingly.

I don’t stay alive for myself. To be honest, I’m not very fond of myself and don’t feel like I’m worth much to myself either. But, there ARE people that are worth my life. There are people to whom I am of worth and they are the ones we need to stay alive for if nothing else. We can learn to love ourselves again – I am. It’s a slow process, but I know that pain – physical and mental – is temporary. When the pain goes away it doesn’t hurt anymore. But, you’ll never know if you use permanent and lethal means to deal with it! In the end we ARE worth living for to ourselves. While our mind may say otherwise, the way mine does, I know that it’s simply not true.

Suicide is never the answer. Seeking help is the answer. The suicide solution is no solution at all.

Since I was injured, I have struggled to deal with the fact that I cannot do the things I used to do. When I graduated basic training, my father gave me a Command Sergeant Major pin that I had hoped to one day pin on. It was/is a goal of mine to attain the rank of Sergeant Major. I carry that pin, battered as it is, with me everywhere I go in uniform. But, my injuries and subsequent profiles will probably prevent me from attaining my goal.

I got lucky being the First Sergeant of an awesome company filled with some of the best Soldiers I’ve ever served with. While I had many issues with my higher echelon leadership since seeking help with PTSD and local school board issues (no apology from Redstone or my previous leadership since being proven right, by the way), they at least gave me an opportunity that I wouldn’t have had anywhere else. Unfortunately, that time was cut short because of the school issue, but I enjoyed every day of it.

Physical fitness is a huge aspect of military life, there’s no secret about that. In the Army, we are graded on three areas of physical fitness: 1) chest, shoulder and tricep muscle endurance (the push-up); 2) abdominal and hip-flexor muscle endurance (the sit-up); and 3) aerobic fitness (the run). Because of my back injury from Iraq, I am not permitted to do the run or sit-up. I take an alternate event for the run, which is usually the walk. The walk is also very painful for me, but I endure it.

The majority of the Army wants a First Sergeant who can “hang with the troops” and set a good physical fitness example. I can’t do that. So, in effect, my progress and potential is somewhat stifled. I’m not whining, mind you, just stating fact.

Through Fort Hood’s “Strong Star” program, I’ve learned to deal with many of my so-called “stuck points.” Stuff like: “I am a failure,” “I’m a terrible father,” etc. While subconsciously, this is what I feel, logically I know it’s my broken brain saying these things.

But, on the upside, I’m still alive. I have my health (sort of) and I have a wonderful, caring, and VERY patient family. Emily is understanding (sometimes) when I simply don’t want to get out of bed and face the day. Admittedly, she has to walk on eggshells around me, but she loves me unconditionally even though I’m a terrible husband (another stuck point).

A loving and understanding family is immeasurably important to basket cases like me, but we can’t ignore that these conditions place a LOT of stress on the ones we love. They carry a large burden in weighing when to speak up, when to provide comfort, and when to slap us silly for being stupid. In addition to relying heavily on my family, I lean on God to provide me with reinforcement and strength. His spirit leads and guides me when I sink into a hole darker than space. There’s a song by Josh Wilson that I love listening to when I’m in that dark place called “Savior, Please”:

Yes, I know this is a scatter-brained post. Understand that my purpose in sharing these thoughts is to show troops that it’s okay to talk about it and let someone know you’re hurting.