No amount of education, awareness, or training on the topic is going to do a lick of good if we, as leaders, don’t have the interests of our troops first and foremost in our minds. It is imperative that we know our troops personally as well as professionally. We must understand – really understand – the indicators that lead to these thoughts.

As LTG Hororo says below (and GEN Chiarelli frequently noted), even one suicide is one too many. That’s not just a catchy phrase. Every single suicide can be prevented if every single Soldier understands their value in this life. I look back on all that’s happened, positive and negative, since that dark night in June 2010. There is so much that I would have missed out on. There are so many lives that I have positively affected and have positively affected me because I allowed them to help me. I reached out when I felt that all was lost. I picked up the phone when I wanted to pick up that pistol.

Believe it or not, things get better. I got better. It’s not the perfect life that I imagine is out there somewhere, but living through it strengthened me when I thought nothing could help me.

As leaders, we need to be aware of the things our troops are going through so they can feel comfortable leaning on them when needed. That trust must be formed well before these thoughts enter our the minds of our troops. But, even when I didn’t trust my leaders to help me, I reached out to others outside of the military or outside of my unit for help.

The suicide solution is no solution at all. I hope that anyone reading this and contemplating that final act out of desperation understands that. If you don’t have someone you feel you can talk to, email me! I will help you!

The Army released suicide data today for the month of March. During March, among active-duty soldiers, there were 18 potential suicides: three have been confirmed as suicides and 15 remain under investigation. For February, the Army reported 11 potential suicides among active-duty soldiers. Since the release of that report, five have been confirmed as suicides and six remain under investigation. For 2012, there have been 45 potential active-duty suicides: 20 have been confirmed as suicides and 25 remain under investigation. Updated active-duty suicide numbers for 2011: 164 (164 have been confirmed as suicides and none remain under investigation).

During March, among reserve component soldiers who were not on active duty, there were 10 potential suicides (seven Army National Guard and three Army Reserve): four have been confirmed as suicides and six remain under investigation. For February, among that same group, the Army reported three potential suicides. Since the release of that report, one case has been added for a total of four potential suicides (four Army National Guard and no Army Reserve): three have been confirmed as suicides and one remains under investigation. For 2012, there have been 20 potential not on active duty suicides (16 Army National Guard and four Army Reserve): 13 have been confirmed as suicides and seven remain under investigation. Updated not on active duty suicide numbers for 2011: 117 (81 Army National Guard and 36 Army Reserve); 117 have been confirmed as suicides and none remain under investigation.

“One suicide is one too many. We in Army medicine have partnered with our line leaders to enhance mental health resiliency; by engaging soldiers holistically by supporting their mental, physical and spiritual well being in an effort to improve the health and wellness of the Force. We are committed to every soldier and our efforts are focused on prevention well before the individual chooses suicide as their only option,” said Lt. Gen. Patricia D. Horoho, the surgeon general of the Army.

Soldiers and families in need of crisis assistance can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Trained consultants are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year and can be contacted by dialing 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or by visiting their website at http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

Army leaders can access current health promotion guidance in newly revised Army Regulation 600-63 (Health Promotion) at: http://www.army.mil/usapa/epubs/pdf/r600_63.pdf and Army Pamphlet 600-24 (Health Promotion, Risk Reduction and Suicide Prevention) at http://www.army.mil/usapa/epubs/pdf/p600_24.pdf.

The Army’s comprehensive list of Suicide Prevention Program information is located at http://www.preventsuicide.army.mil.

Suicide prevention training resources for Army families can be accessed at http://www.armyg1.army.mil/hr/suicide/training_sub.asp?sub_cat=20 (requires Army Knowledge Online access to download materials).

Information about Military OneSource is located at http://www.militaryonesource.com or by dialing the toll-free number 1-800-342-9647 for those residing in the continental United States. Overseas personnel should refer to the Military OneSource website for dialing instructions for their specific location.

Information about the Army’s Comprehensive Soldier Fitness Program is located at http://www.army.mil/csf/.

The Defense Center for Excellence for Psychological Health and Traumatic Brain Injury (DCoE) Outreach Center can be contacted at 1-866-966-1020, via electronic mail at Resources@DCoEOutreach.org and at http://www.dcoe.health.mil.

The website for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is http://www.afsp.org/, and the Suicide Prevention Resource Council site is found at http://www.sprc.org/index.asp.

I’m not going to make this post a contentious one in which I succumb to the stereotypes that some nameless “writers” have about PTSD. There are litigious ways to deal with those. PTSD affects everyone differently. I believe there are two types of people with PTSD: those who seek help and those that think everyone else is the problem.

PTSD is not limited to military personnel. People that survive horrible car crashes can suffer from PTSD. The survivors from the 9/11 terrorist attacks probably suffer from it. Someone that is robbed at gunpoint or raped is prone to it. I have no doubt that there is an element of it present at mortuaries where people are constantly subjected to bodies that suffered grizzly and inhumane deaths or are in various stages of decay. In other words, it’s a common reaction by people to a particular stressor in life and people react to it in different ways.

Personally, I fell into the second category for too many years. I refused to admit that there was anything wrong with me. I didn’t recognize immediately that I had become reclusive, bitter, angry, and just downright hard to get along with. The one thing I never became was either violent or criminal. I always found an outlet for my anger, whether in writing, playing games, watching movies, whatever.

While I’m by no means “cured” of PTSD, I’ve learned some very dynamic and specialized coping strategies. Through that process of learning, I’ve openly shared my experiences through the darkness that can embrace people with PTSD. I did so in direct contradiction to what many people recommended. I was told that my PTSD would be used against me because either people didn’t understand or they didn’t WANT to understand. I took the Army at its word and began a very public outreach to both heal myself and hopefully help others suffering.

I’m actually in the process of writing a book about PTSD and my journey to recovery – which I don’t think will ever truly end. Through this process I’ve met and spoken with numerous veterans from various conflicts and wars. It blows me away that some of these guys lived with their pain for 40 years before seeking help! I can’t imagine life like that. Six years was bad enough. I’ve learned a lot of coping skills and activities that have helped. I became an avid shooter and began geocaching. I also turned to writing and helping others Soldiers cope. I helped III Corps with some PSA on suicide prevention.

While I trusted the Army and the government at large to be true to its word, what I didn’t take into account was how biased and ignorant the general populace is about PTSD. Likewise, I was ignorant to the fact that some people would try to use my PTSD against me to achieve their own personal motives. Let’s face it, the only time most Americans hear about PTSD is when someone diagnosed with it kills someone (or a lot of people) or commits some other violent crime. Those are the big stories that become the stereotype of Soldiers with PTSD. In my experience, those Soldiers represent about 1% of the PTSD population, if even that.

If not treated, PTSD makes those that have endured traumatic events more prone to feeling threatened in many situations, even when the feeling of threat is not warranted. Some may act on impulse or go to extremes to protect themselves. They invent threats where none exist. Very simple actions and conversations suddenly become threatening without basis in fact or logic.

There has been no definitive study conducted that links PTSD with criminal behavior. There are many different studies out there, many of which I’ve read. Some of them I’ve even had to purchase. While PTSD does seem to increase the possibility that one will commit crimes, it is not a definite link that deserves such a broad brush painted on those that have it, especially those that have sought to overcome it.

Personally, the only time I ever got in trouble was when I was a kid in Jacksonville, FL, at about 14 years old. I got caught shoplifting deodorant, of all things. I wasn’t charged with anything and ended up agreeing to do 50 hours of community service on the weekends at a creepy city cemetery. I also went through something called the Scared Straight program. This entailed me and a few other kids taking a tour through the county jail. It was a traumatizing event. Being the youngest and smallest kid there, I didn’t feel comfortable with all those inmates pawing at me and asking for time alone. I was definitely scared straight.

It’s sad that when one, semi-influential member of the media uses the PTSD argument to justify claims of threat, malice, violence, or mental incapacity that so many people will so quickly and easily agree to those claims. “He wrote about PTSD, so he MUST be a violent person.” “He has PTSD so shouldn’t be allowed to carry a gun.”

In the movie “Full Metal Jacket,” Gunnery Sergeant Harman, played by the most awesome R. Lee Ermy, gets angry during a barracks inspection after one of the G.I.’s uses a John Wayne impression. I can’t embed the video, so you’ll have to click the link. Be mindful that the video contains a LOT of profanity.

In that clip, GySgt Harman says a bunch of things in response. For one, he asks who “just signed his own death warrant.” Do you think that person REALLY signed their own death warrant? Obviously not, at least not to anyone with common sense. He says he will PT the Marines “until you all die.” Was this a true statement? Again, no. Basic training used to be filled with this kind of over-the-top scare tactics before we became soft and touchy-feely and no one ever had to sign a death warrant or “beat their face.” Finally, Private Joker admits that he is the one that made the impression. Harman then tells him, “You had best unf**k yourself or I will unscrew your head and s#!t down your neck!”

This phrase has been used in many situations throughout our history. Was Ermy’s character REALLY going to take off that Private’s head and defecate down his neck? Of course not. The phrase has been used by Old Man Johnson down the street: “If you damn kids cut through my yard again, I’m gonna come out there and rip off your head and crap down your neck!” It’s obviously urban slang used throughout American society and especially within the military. Now if Jeffrey Dahmer said it, I might take it a little more seriously.

Anyone that actually served in the military understands what this means. It means that what you said or did was disrespectful, wrong, unwarranted, unwanted, unbelievable, etc. and that the another person isn’t very happy about it.

I recently read a story where a supposed “writer” was talking about the death of a Soldier. The unit the “writer” is embedded with has suffered many casualties during their deployment, which ends soon. I have friends in that unit that have expressed disgust with how this “writer” has completely disrespected their last two memorial ceremonies by getting in everyone’s faces and taking photos. While people were talking or grieving, he’d walk around taking photos, the audible “click, click, click” of his camera disrupting the services.

In this piece I read, the “writer” explained in dramatic and gory detail exactly how this Soldier had died – lying face down in the dirt, missing his arms and legs. When asked if he was okay, the Soldier responded affirmatively – either recognizing that he was about to die and didn’t want to worry his fellow troops or not realizing the gravity of his situation due to shock.

I took great disgust in this hit piece on the integrity and honor of this Soldier’s sacrifice being laid out in such gory detail for the world to see. But, it’s not the casual reader I care about. What bothers me is that this young Soldier has a family. He has a mother and father that one day will read this account and realize that their son died a painful and horrible death, face down in the dirt! It’s unconscionable that a responsible “writer” with a supposed military background would publish such details.

I’m not suggesting that family’s should be lied to about how their kids died in combat, but unless they specifically ASK for the details of that death they should be protected from having to suffer it. Many families don’t WANT to know those sorts of details. Yes, they want to know that he died on patrol or during a rocket attack, but not that his brains were splattered across the pavement while trying to gasp for that last breath of air, the way one Soldier died in my arms in Iraq. Most just want to know that he didn’t die in pain surrounded by troops that love him and tried their best to save them.

Naturally, I was angry at this lack of journalistic integrity and discretion. Immediately calling upon phrases and slang I’ve heard my entire life, I mentioned how much I thought the piece was out of line and paraphrased Gunny Sergeant Harman’s words to Private Joker.

In typical fashion, my words were taken out of context and falsely manipulated into a direct threat. The “blogger/journalist/writer/photographer” decided to use his bully pulpit to settle a score that he’s been rabidly trying to settle since I called him out on OPSEC violations years ago. I’ve been through the same song and dance with this individual many times and each time it’s noted for what it is – whining.

Here is the full context of what I wrote after reading the story of that Soldier that died last week. Another person, equally upset over the content of that story had commented that they should share what Yon is writing on the unit’s page. Another individual remarked – wisely – that it would only make matters worse. I responded:

I agree. I have no doubt that his wife or mother read the [unit's Facebook] page. I’m positive they don’t read [said writer], but one day they’re going to do a Google search on their loved one, and that ass monkey of a sorry excuse for flesh and cold blood will come up with that information! I want to rip his head off and piss down his windpipe!

Now, to the casual observer with even an inkling of common sense, ask yourself some questions.

1. Is CJ REALLY going to rip off someone’s head and piss down his windpipe?
2. Is it even POSSIBLE to rip off someone’s head and piss down their windpipe?
3. What actions has CJ committed in the past that give any indication he WOULD do something like that even if he could?
4. Is this is a common expression used to denote an angry attitude and dissatisfaction at someone’s else’s mistakes?

The answers are obvious, especially to someone with a real military background. Nowhere did I say, “I will rip off his head and piss down his throat.” There are a lot of things that I’d like to do or want to do, but never will because they are morally, religiously, legally, or impossibly wrong. So, one can only deduce that the “writer” of those lies is intentionally misleading people by ONLY commenting on a single portion of a full quote. By inventing threats where none exist, the “writer” is easily able to influence an audience that is ignorant and subservient to the whims of anything typed into a status window on a social media site.

To be fair, I’m not entirely innocent in regard to this particular issue. I gave entirely too much credit to the history, background, accomplishment, mental capacity, and reasoning ability of the “writer” and his followers when I wrote that. I neglected to notice that he no longer wanted to be treated like a former SF-qualified Soldier and more like a run of the mil civilian without an inkling of understanding about how the military works. It is possible that someone like that with an ax to grind could PERCEIVE a threat where none exists.

Remember what I said about PTSD earlier? PTSD makes those that have endured traumatic events more prone to feeling threatened in many situations, even when the feeling of threat is not warranted. This “writer” has been embedded with many units and claims to be the longest embedded “writer” in history. So, there is no doubt that he has probably seen some pretty nasty things. I know he has no compunction against sharing them.

It’s quite possible that this individual is suffering from an extreme case of PTSD as well. I wouldn’t be the first to suggest it, that’s for sure. His actions over the past few years have gotten progressively worse and more arrogant. He’s expressed anger and frustration when he didn’t get his way. These are natural reactions to stressors. Feeling the need to be always “on guard” can cause survivors to see threat in normal situations. As a result, they may go to extremes to try to protect themselves. High levels of arousal may result in impulsive, irrational behavior that goes beyond what is needed to address the perceived threat.

But, there is a significant difference between me and this “writer”: I sought help and got it when people noted that I had changed! I’ve learned how to deal with and manage my stress. I no longer need to hide my weaknesses and know where to go when I feel those issues rising up in me. I possess coping mechanisms to deal with those stresses and no longer need to drag other people down with me when I don’t get my way. It’s common for someone with PTSD to project their shortcomings onto others when they are cornered or can’t meet expectations. Keep in mind that no one reached out to me personally to qualify my statement let me know they feel like something I did or said threatened or offended them. I’ve seen privates do this! It’s not difficult. But, I’m always available and easy to contact. The door is always opening to learn what I’ve learned. I’m always willing to share my coping skills with anyone needing them.

Now, to all those that are worried about me as the pressure and stress builds as a result of outlandish claims against me, don’t worry. I’m fine. While I’m not cured of PTSD, I know how to manage these issues. My heartrate hasn’t risen, I’m not nervous, I’m not suffering any increased levels of anxiety. I don’t let people get to me, especially inconsequential ones. I have a mission that I am focused on and I will remain focused. I will not be badgered into killing myself like the last Soldier this “writer” went after obsessively. He probably didn’t have the support network or experience I have and I truly feel sorry for that Soldier. I wish I could have told him that this bully was not worth dying over. I won’t give him the pleasure of driving me to suicide. I won’t give him the pleasure of driving me to homocide. The only thing I like to kill are enemy Taliban and AQ fighters, skunks, raccoons, and coyotes! I’m hoping to enjoy killing at least one deer or hog when I get back too! I also like to kill rumors, especially false ones.

Let me state something matter of fact: PTSD is NOT an excuse to commit crimes. No one with PTSD should be given quarter for serious violent crimes that injure or kill others needlessly. I won’t subscribe to that hooey and I won’t be someone that spreads that myth.

The truth is that most Soldiers with PTSD who commit violent crimes already had criminal backgrounds before their diagnosis. I’ve never been arrested for anything in my life – to include my 14-year old shoplifting experience. I don’t have a criminal background. Before this “journalist” came along, I never had issues with the military either!

My PTSD is NOT the cause of my anger. Writing disgusting accounts of how our Fallen Heroes die to get a few Paypal donations is what causes my anger. When I think of what will be going through the mind of that mother, sister, wife or family member having to read that, I’m physically ill. I’m not saying he doesn’t have the right to write it; I’m saying he should have had better judgment. And the fact that he’s making a living writing such things didn’t sit well with me. It still doesn’t sit well with me. My fault lies in not crafting my disgust and outrage in a manner that wouldn’t be twisted for selfish reasons.

Yes, I still have anger issues, but they are internal. Rarely do they ever manifest outwardly anymore (except to my wife who can read me like a book no matter how hard I try to hide it). NEVER does it manifest itself physically. Never has and it never will. Anyone that tells you I’m a danger to anyone is a liar, a manipulator, and downright ignorant. Everyone that knows me can tell you that, even the ones that know me and don’t like me.

As I said in my response on Twitter to this individual: “You can bend it and twist it; You can misuse and abuse it; But even God cannot change the Truth.” God IS truth and His judgment is all I await. He will not give me any challenge I cannot overcome, “for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength.” I believe those words. I live those words.

I also believe these words: “I know my Soldiers and I will always place their needs above my own.” I treat every Soldier as if they’re my Soldier. If I am ruined for trying to protect the dignity and honor of a Fallen Brother and fellow Soldier, I readily accept that result based on my faith and allegiance to my oath. If I am guilty of something, it’s caring too much for their memory.

I have gone through this before – false claims levied against me – and I’ve always gotten through it. Like Rodney Atkins says:

Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I’d fall right into the trap that they were laying, yeah

But the good news
Is there’s angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one’s that you’ve been dragging for so long
You’re on your knees
You might as well be praying
Guess what I’m saying

If your going through hell
Keep on going, don’t slow down
If you’re scared don’t show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you’re there

There are always going to be bumps in the road that slow our progress. The key to navigating them is to drive a 4-wheel life! I’ll get through it. I’m not going to stress over it. I’ve got eight more months left here and a real mission to accomplish. I’ve got Soldiers I need to take care of through near-daily rocket attacks, complex and last minute missions, and sustained operations.

I’m thankful for the friends I made from the last time this “writer” tried this crap. I’m thankful that some of his readers contacted me directly first to understand my side of the situation. Yes, there are ALWAYS two sides to every story. I guess there is always some good that comes out of these attacks and I welcome any new friends after this round.

Now, for the minions out there that need to understand a few legal terms they’re likely to soon encounter because they still don’t get it:

Libel - to publish in print (including pictures), writing or broadcast through radio, television or film, an untruth about another which will do harm to that person or his/her reputation, by tending to bring the target into ridicule, hatred, scorn or contempt of others. It is a tort (civil wrong) making the person or entity (like a newspaper, magazine or political organization) open to a lawsuit for damages by the person who can prove the statement about him/her was a lie. This would include any publication or news agency – including Facebook postings, Big Peace and Fox News – that also publishes the libelous writings.

Defamation - the act of making untrue statements about another which damages his/her reputation. Some statements such as an accusation of having committed a crime, having a feared disease or being unable to perform one’s occupation are called libel per se or slander per se and can more easily lead to large money awards in court and even punitive damage recovery by the person harmed.

Slander - oral defamation, in which someone tells one or more persons an untruth about another, which untruth will harm the reputation of the person defamed. Slander is a civil wrong (tort) and can be the basis for a lawsuit.

It was great to see that they are part of a PSA about depression and suicide prevention. I’m also working with the band’s management to get them on our radio show when they return from their European tour, so keep your fingers crossed.

MG Graham visited Redstone Arsenal on 10 September to share his message of “faith, hope, and love” that he has gained through his experiences to more than 1000 Soldiers and Civilians in attendance at one of his two briefings of the day. As a career Soldier, Graham is a combat hardened Soldier. He never expected that he’d be fighting for his own happiness and purpose in life

In 2003, Graham lost his son, Kevin, to suicide. It was completely unexpected and devastated the family. Kevin was a top ROTC cadet and stellar student. He enjoyed working out and was the life of parties. People went to him with their problems, knowing that Kevin’s ear was always available and words of reassurance would follow.

Seven months later, his oldest son, Jeff, was killed during combat operations in Iraq. He was a 2LT in the Army and had earned the respect and admiration of his troops. He was a “lead from the front” type officer to the very end. On his last patrol in Baghdad, he spotted an IED attached to a guardrail and quickly halted his platoon. Looking back to ensure that everyone was halted and safe, the IED detonated, killing Jeff and one other Soldier. His attention to detail and alertness saved the lives of several Soldiers.

In room full of completely silent advanced individual training Soldiers, Graham relayed his thoughts of that day.

“My wife, Carol, came in and told me that CNN had just mentioned that two Soldiers were killed in the area where Jeff was operating,” he said.

Carol, his wife of over 32 years, asked if they would have known by now if Jeff was one of those killed. He doubted it. The visit soon followed.

Graham couldn’t believe that just seven months after losing one son, he had just lost another. The grief and depression took hold and they found it difficult to find happiness. He was so grief stricken that when he tried to convince his daughter, Melanie, to move closer to her parents, she told them she couldn’t. They just made her too sad.

After thinking about it long and hard, then-Colonel Graham decided that it was time to retire from military service.

“Yesterday you experienced a great sorrow and now your home seems empty. Your impulse is to give up amid your dashed hopes. Yes, you must defy that temptation for you are at the front lines of battle and the crisis is at hand. Faltering for even on moment would put God’s interest at risk. Other lives will be harmed by your hesitation and His work will suffer if you simply fold your hands. You must not linger at this point; even to indulge your grief.”

This was the devotional by L.B. Cowan that MG Mark Graham, commander of Division West, 1st Army at Fort Carson, CO, and his wife read the day he had made the decision retire from military service after the loss of his two sons. Graham realized that he couldn’t just give up. The quote was a sign of hope and purpose.

He began to dedicate his life and career to honoring the memory of his two boys and helping others deal with issues of depression and suicide. Although still dealing with his own pain and healing, Graham and wife became advocates for Soldiers who suffer with post traumatic stress disorder, traumatic brain injury, and other mental health illnesses.

As a senior officer, he has made it a point to train his subordinates on mental health issues and has enlisted their help in changing the stigma associated with mental health issues within the military.

The military is known as a profession of arms. It trains its Soldiers to be killers and encourages them to hide their true emotions. Graham is working hard to smash that attitude and change the military mindset.

One day, he pulled his staff together and explained that this sort of thinking is “old school.” He told them that the Army needs to do things differently and create a “new school” of thought about depression and suicide. He pleaded with them to “get on the new school bus.”

His timing couldn’t be more appropriate. The Army recently released its August suicide statistics and the numbers don’t look good. Graham maintains, like Sergeant Major of the Army Kenneth O. Preston, that even one suicide is a suicide too many.

In August, there were 11 suspected incidents of suicide among active duty troops. In 2009 alone, there were 71 confirmed acts of suicide with 39 still pending determination. MG Graham is determined to see these numbers disappear. One suicide is a suicide too many.

He encourages troops to take nothing for granted. He asked everyone in attendance to be mindful of their co-workers and battle buddies. He explained to them that grief and suffering is not a weakness. He implored them to seek help and to help each other.

Graham told the Soldiers to “get in front of” suicide. “Stop it BEFORE it happens,” he said. He noted that if a Soldier fears that a buddy or co-worker may commit suicide, don’t tell them need help; escort them to help.

He reiterated the Army’s ACE Campaign to be a friend and ASK if someone is hurting or thinking about suicide. CARE about their well-being and let them know you care. ESCORT them to get help. Don’t leave them alone and hope they seek help on their own.

Graham concluded his presentation by urging leaders in attendance to help get rid of the stigma of PTSD, depression, and grief. No more “suck it up,” an Army term for “get over it.” The stigma is a result of nothing more than fear and ignorance, he said. He also told those in attendance that may be suffering to seek help immediately – if not in front of everyone, to do so anonymously.

The Department of Defense has numerous programs available to which troops can seek anonymous help. One of those is MilitaryOneSource.com. Troops can also visit their local military hospitals or call the Suicide Prevention Hotline (1-800-273-8255).

This past week was one of the worst weeks I’ve experienced probably since I left Iraq.

As you know, I’ve decided to seek help for some of the issues I’ve had since returning from Iraq in 2003. For more than six years, I’ve worked very hard hiding depression, nightmares, and social discomfort. I haven’t slept more than four hours straight without medication in that time.

But, there came a point where I felt very hypocritical telling my Soldiers it’s okay to seek help for mental health issues while I was still hiding my own. Truth be told, there were many people who weren’t fooled by my acting. How can I, as a First Sergeant or a Senior NCO, tell my Soldiers to do something I wasn’t willing to do myself? So, in June, I wrote “One Step At A Time” making my commitment to my troops – and myself – public.

One of the things I wanted to do was convince troops out there that it’s okay to seek help. The Army has made a very public plea to troops to get help without worrying about their jobs. I promised to document this here and I plan to do so honestly and openly.

Let me start by saying that my unit completely pissed me off after my announcement. After reading my post, my higher headquarters undermined my efforts to seek personal help and performed a command referral citing ONLY what I had written and not my job performance, actions, or leadership ability. How can I tell Soldiers about the self-referral process when I’m now being FORCED into counseling?

It’s important to understand what a command referral is since it’s not always negative. A command referral forces the health care system to see me. Appointments must be timely and there are repercussions if the system doesn’t do their part. Once that was explained to me, I calmed down a bit, but I didn’t like the fact that now my unit would have access to some of my records. The Doc explained that they don’t get specific information, even for a command referral. I was told the unit wanted to ensure that I got the help I needed as a basis for their decision. Great! So, why hasn’t anyone in my chain called or emailed me in over six weeks since I began this process to see how I am doing?

Thankfully, I don’t need their fake interest to get better. I’m doing this for ME and no one else. I need to get fixed because PTSD can be (and has been) destructive to me and those I care about, not because someone in the military told me to. So, while I ask the question about where they are, I really don’t care.

Every week, I visit with a doc locally for about an hour to break down the walls and get to the heart of my problems. In the past six weeks, I’ve hit rock bottom as we slowly destroy all my defenses to get to the heart of the matter – those significant events that have altered my state of mind for so long.

I would be a bold-faced liar if I said this has been easy. Revisiting some of the things I’ve tried for years to forget has been one of the most stressful things I’ve done ever – probably even more stressful than the events themselves. In combat, I’m armed and can defend myself. In the doc’s office, I’m completely naked (not physically, sickos!). I have no walls or vehicles to hide behind.

During my first extremely tearful visit, I briefly touched on why I was there. I told Doc about some of the events that I have had nightmares about for years. Last week, after weeks of counseling, advice and friendly conversation, he decided that I should write down one particularly troubling event in as much detail as possible.

When I published my journal after returning from Iraq, I intentionally self-edited. I do not regret anything I did in Iraq, but there are some things I’m not proud of having to do. I’d do it again if placed in the same situation, but I’m not happy about it. Doc told me – and I agree – that in order to overcome what haunts combat vets, we have to talk through it.

For the past week since that visit, I’ve focused on trying to write this story. I was supposed to write it down and bring it in to talk about this week. Since that appointment, every moment of every day I was thinking about what I had to do. Frequently, I sat down at the computer to begin writing and each and every time I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. As yesterday’s appointment got closer, I got more and more stressed out that I hadn’t written this story yet. I did not sleep for virtually the entire week.

When I got to Doc’s office yesterday, I told him I just couldn’t do it. I explained how stressed out the “assignment” made me feel and that I hadn’t slept even with my medication. He asked me if I was able to at least talk about the incident and he would write it down. I told him I would try and I did. In excruciating detail, I relayed the events of March 23, 2003 in As Samawah, Iraq.

I couldn’t breathe. I was crying so hard, I could barely speak about that day. As I choked out the story, Doc wrote down every word. Before we began this exercise, he asked me where my stress level was on a scale from 1-100. I told him I was at 100 at least. I was shaking. I knew what was coming. After telling this story, he asked me where my stress level was. Honestly, I had dropped to about 40. A 10-ton weight had been lifted.

Docs have a great way of stating the obvious. “That is absolutely horrible that you had to experience that,” he said when I had finished. “I can’t imagine how you have dealt with that for over six years.”

But, talking about it helped. It helped tremendously and my stress scale had dropped to about 20. By the time I left, I didn’t feel stressed about anything!

As far as I can remember, I’ve only told even a broad version of this story once before. Of all the people I could have told this to, I told it first to a Code Pinko outside Walter Reed a few years ago. She made the mistake of bringing up all the innocent people who we’ve killed in Iraq and I blew a gasket. One of my Freeper friends had the foresight to pull me back recognizing the rage building up inside of me at that comment.

Can you tell I’m putting this off as long as possible? I don’t have to do this, but I think it will help me. And if it helps me, I hope it will help those of you suffering from similar issues to tell your stories so you can also heal.

There is nothing worse than when a Soldier is called upon to take the life of an innocent person. While the media and anti-war goons get a kick out of broadcasting how uncaring we are when innocents are killed, I think the fact is that anytime a Soldier realizes his actions contributed to the death of innocent people it kills that Soldier inside. Our purpose is to protect the innocent. We take great pains, many times at our own peril, to protect the innocent. But, sometimes, we have no choice. That doesn’t make me feel any better about it, but I had no choice.

Such was the case on March 23, 2003. I had no choice. A member of Saddam’s Fedayeen was providing covering fire for a mortar position. We had already killed the fighters manning the tube once, but they really wanted it. As fighters would approach the tube, we’d mow them down. The diner on the corner across the street from the tube no longer had any windows in it, leaving behind a 3-4 foot wall behind which Iraqis were hiding.

At one point, a Fedayeen fighter appeared behind the wall grasping an Iraqi woman by the neck. His AK-47 was resting on her right shoulder and he was firing at our position. There was no clear shot. Blood was pouring out of the woman’s right ear as she screamed with each squeeze of the trigger by the fighter. She was a wearing dark, long sleeve traditional Iraqi dress that buttoned up to the neck.

This event took no longer than about 10 seconds from start to finish, but it felt like hours. I aimed straight for her chest, hoping to take her and the fighter out in one shot. As she fell to the ground, I squeezed another round at the now-exposed fighter who was also beginning to duck behind the wall. The force of impact forced him to fall backwards and I never saw either of them again.

What kind of human being uses an innocent woman as a human shield in combat? What kind of monster forces another human being to kill completely innocent people to save the lives of others?

I see that woman often in my dreams and sometimes while I’m just sitting, minding my own business. I see her lifeless body fall to the ground in super-slow motion and the look of shock in the fighter’s eyes as he probably realizes how exposed he now is without his flesh shield. His AK is still resting on her shoulder as she falls and before he can lift it, he is propelled backward as he himself falls victim to my aim.

That 10-second incident has taken six years of my life. There are other things that still haunt me, but none as much as this. This incident kicked off the next two weeks of sustained combat I would encounter. And it altered my compassion for humanity.

If you can’t see the video, click HERE.