In June, I hit rock bottom. I felt like a loser because I could not be the Soldier I wanted to be. Due to my injury, there isn’t a lot I can do by way of typical Army physical training. No running, no sit-ups, and barely able to max push-ups anymore. Walking fast enough to get a workout leaves me in more pain, which I’ve been dealing with since my injury outside As Samawah on 23 March 2003. Dealing with pain wears a person down and I struggle to find a balance between medicating the pain away or dealing with it (which I typically do). My wife says I’m addicted to pain to explain why I often refuse to take medication. The truth is that when I feel pain, I know I’m still alive.

I had been separated from my family for over six months due to my issues with my last unit and the Huntsville City School system. My “rock” wasn’t there to help keep me sane and I tended to overreact to every argument. After moving to Fort Hood, I stopped my normal counseling sessions to focus on my new job. Additionally, my anti-depressant medication expired and in order to get a new prescription refill, I had to go to the hospital on main post (I’m on West Fort Hood). I kept putting it off and days became weeks which became months. Add to that, the small little arguments that all couples have (especially when married to a hard head like me) and it was the perfect recipe for disaster.

I had it. I was over my threshhold and could no longer sustain the weight of the world. I suddenly found myself literally curled into a ball on my carpet at the foot of my bed. My mind began racing through scenarios of how I could end the pain, both physically and mentally – permanently. I was surrounded by over a dozen firearms, most of which were locked and loaded, all of which had ammo readily available. I had a full prescription of Vicodin and other pain managment pills. Did I want to go slowly or quickly; clean or make a mess?

I chose neither and recognized a third choice – call someone NOW! I called my mother and for the first time in more than 20 years she had to listen to her 36-year old son barely able to speak through strong tears and heavy breathing. She had to deal with a mentally expired shell of a person trying to talk himself out of making a fateful decision. She was speaking to a Master Sergeant in the United States Army with 16 years of experience under his belt unable to make a rational decision and provided the comfort and words needed to bring me back from the brink of personal disaster. A literal and figurative darkness that started at about 10pm on Sunday night didn’t end until well after midnight.

I made that choice because subconsciously I knew that no matter how much I was hurting, surely I had something to live for. And I did. Was I really going through something that was more important than my life? Or did I just FEEL that way? Consciously, I was through and didn’t want to fight anymore. I’m a resilient guy and can do anything I set my mind to (except running and sit-ups!). For more than an hour, my mother calmed her desperate son and held me tightly through the phone. She didn’t let go until she was convinced I was okay and wouldn’t do anything stupid.

Do you dream that the world will know your name,
So tell me your name
And do you care, about all the little things,
Or anything at all (anything at all),

I wanna feel all the chemicals inside,
I wanna feel (I wanna feel),
I wanna sunburn just to know that I’m alive,
To know I’m alive (to know if I’m alive),
…
Do you believe in the day that you were born,
Tell me do you believe,
And do you know that every day’s the first of the rest of your life,

Don’t tell me if I’m dying,
Cause I don’t wanna know,
If I can’t see the sun,
Maybe I should go,
Don’t wake me cause I’m dreaming,
Of angels on the moon,
Where everyone you know,
Never leaves too soon

Artist: Thriving Ivory
Song: Angels On The Moon

After hanging up with my mother, she convinced to call my wife and I bore my soul to her. I honestly don’t remember much of either conversation. I don’t understand how I got to where I was that night. I don’t know how my mind could have possibly gotten so degraded that I actually contemplated suicide. What I do know is that I didn’t give up on life and made those calls to the two people I least wanted to see (or hear) me in that condition. But, I knew that they loved me and cared for me. They would be the most affected if I ended my life and they deserved the opportunity to let me know.

Suicide is such a selfish act that doesn’t just affect the poor schmuck that has to clean up the carpets or identify the body. It affects friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, leaders, peers and subordinates alike. All these people are left with unimaginable guilt about what they could have or should have done differently that may have saved your life. Those with children leave behind tortured souls that must reconcile why their father or mother took his or her life. Children of a parent that just TRIES to commit suicide are six times more likely to attempt suicide themselves. With that in mind, think of the love you have for your kids and ask yourself how you would feel if they committed suicide.

Nothing in this life is worth taking yours over. NOTHING. In those moments curled in a ball and crying into the receiver of a phone, I thought that I had nothing left to offer the world. People wouldn’t have to worry about me any longer. All my failures (or perceived failures) would be forgotten. I would become a numerical statistic and nothing more. But, I would have been wrong.

I look at everything I’ve done and seen just since June. I look at the lives I’ve touched, the conversations I’ve had, and the beautiful sunsets I’ve seen. I think about those hours mowing the lawn where I get to plug into some good music and just be outside with the wind kissing my face. I think about the nights cuddled up with the love of my life at the end of a long day or tickling my children until they think they’re going to pee themselves. I would have missed shopping for phones as the kids grew up, teaching them how to drive, and giving away my girls when they get married (in 30 years after I’ve found a suitable groom). I would have missed the Soldiers that have come into my office and asked to shut my door so that they could open to me about their problems. The list goes on and on.

NOTHING IN THIS LIFE IS WORTH TAKING YOURS! Depression sucks more than anything I’ve ever had to deal with. It utterly frustrating to never feel like getting out of the bed and facing the world. It sucks pretending to be happy all the time. But, you learn to deal with it. You lean on those that love you and talk through these problems with a counselor.

If you take nothing away from this, understand that when depression takes over, don’t take your life. Take your life back! Be the better person and find SOMEONE to talk to. The next day after surviving the night I went immediately to my chaplain. I spoke with a peer and good friend in my section.

If you are a military leader there is something you need to understand. After a suicide, there are always speeches and training classes that tell us we need to be there for our troops. While it’s true that if our troops stop coming to us with their problems we have ceased to be good leaders, we can’t pretend to think that they will come to us with everything. But, we need to be there for them anyway and create an environment where we ARE approachable and sensitive to their individual needs. When I needed to call someone that night, my military leaders, peers, and subordinates were the LAST people I thought about. But, I had SOMEONE to call. If you don’t have someone to call, then please DO call those leaders! I’m not saying that you should avoid calling your leaders at any cost because that’s what we are here for. With that said, you need to call someone and be honest with yourself. If you think you have no one to call, remember you ALWAYS have someone to call – a squad leader, a platoon sergeant, a fellow troop, the 1SG, the commander, the Colonel, the Sergeant Major, I could go on and on. Senior leaders are well trained to handle these issues and I hope that we have learned to take these pleas for help seriously and act accordingly.

I don’t stay alive for myself. To be honest, I’m not very fond of myself and don’t feel like I’m worth much to myself either. But, there ARE people that are worth my life. There are people to whom I am of worth and they are the ones we need to stay alive for if nothing else. We can learn to love ourselves again – I am. It’s a slow process, but I know that pain – physical and mental – is temporary. When the pain goes away it doesn’t hurt anymore. But, you’ll never know if you use permanent and lethal means to deal with it! In the end we ARE worth living for to ourselves. While our mind may say otherwise, the way mine does, I know that it’s simply not true.

Suicide is never the answer. Seeking help is the answer. The suicide solution is no solution at all.

One of the graphics really got me thinking. It dealt with the types of drugs being prescribed to troops. In a Military Times poll, 10% of the 263 respondents said they had taken medications for a mental health or combat stress reason. Now, I realize that we are only talking 26 Soldiers here, but consider that of those, 73% were taking an antidepressant. 56% were taking a sleep medication. 12% were taking a narcotic painkiller. Those were the top three medications our troops need to stay mentally and physically healthy – and I take all three, in addition to others.

What concerns me is the effect all these drugs are having on me in other ways. As a result of my war injury, I’m unable to run (I can jog) at all. During my most recent checkup, I was also told to stop doing sit-ups. I tried arguing with my doc and was told that the choice was mine: accept the profile and be able to walk the rest of my life or continue trying to pretend I’m not injured and be confined to a wheelchair one day. With much reluctance, I accepted the permanent profile barring me from doing sit-ups (I still do crunches until it hurts).

I put a lot of stress on myself trying to be a good NCO in spite of my limitations. Some of my depression comes from the fact that I can no longer lead from the front in certain areas, specifically physical fitness. I’m limited in the types of jobs I can have. For example, I’ll probably never have another opportunity to be a First Sergeant, especially in a tactical unit, because of these physical limitations. Through no fault of my own, I’m incapable of “keeping up” in the things I love to do. I think back with fond memories running from the ball field at Fort Irwin up to “Blackie Mountain” and back each Monday with my squad.

On top of this, PTSD provides another obstacle to really being able to concentrate the way I used to. I take sleeping medications to silence all the things going through my head so I can sleep at night. It’s a double edged sword, though, because I’m worried constantly that while I’m knocked out I’ll be unable to respond to any threats. That frustration breeds anger.

And yet, if I stop taking these medications, will it trigger something in my mind that makes me go completely batty? According to the Army Times article, retired Colonel Bart Billings testified before Congress that he believes the recent spike in suicides directly correlates to the types and quantities of PTSD medications being handed out. I never have been, am not now, nor do I think I ever will be suicidal. I think it’s futile and stupid to take one’s life.

It’s a position to be in to wonder if there is an answer out there that won’t kill us. Obviously, doing nothing is not an option which is why I started seeking help last year. ALL Soldiers that think they may have mental health issues should seek help. There is nothing wrong with it and it isn’t a sign of weakness. If I’ve learned anything, however, don’t do it publicly but don’t do it alone. I’ve learned from personal experience that while the military is fully engaged in removing the stigma, the general populace is not and neither are some leaders.

I’m not sure what I’m really trying to say here since I feel like I’m over the place. I haven’t been as regular in taking my prescriptions and that may be why. I can still operate and perform my duties, but inside there is a war raging and I don’t know who is fighting it or which side is winning.

Skillet has a song called “Invincible” that goes like this:

I, I’m invincible
I’m indestructible
It’s my destiny

I, I’m invincible
I’m unshakeable
Through the truth in my soul

[Chorus:]
You know you just can’t kill a man when he’s dead
You know the spirit survives (invincible)
You can’t stop the advance of the Kingdom to come
You know the truth is alive (invincible)

To be invincible
Is unattainable
Without sacrifice

Feel, feel the birth inside
The life that cannot die
Are you invincible

[CHORUS]
Invincible-Invincible

You know you can’t kill a man when he’s dead
You know you can’t

[CHORUS (repeat)]
You know you can’t kill a man when he’s dead

Life and the internet are strange strange things. I’ve been trading emails and posts etc with Chris for years now. It wasn’t at all uncommon for his duties, deployments, and family to make those virtual conversations sporadic from time to time. Well, Chris won’t be returning emails anymore. He passed away suddenly on June 30, 2009.

My initial thought was “who are the bastards that deserve to die a horrible death for killing this man. I was shaking. I couldn’t even concentrate on the reading until I read this:

On June 30th Major Chris Galloway took his own life. He had come back from Afghanistan in April, and things just weren’t the same we’re told.

The shaking intensified and I had to be alone. I drove to a small, out of the way park and just let myself go for almost an hour. I was initially alerted to this story because there were trackbacks to posts I’ve written about PTSD and suicide. As I sat there sobbing, I thought to myself, “could I be next?” The answer is, of course, “no” and I want to explain to those people out there that are in a situation where Chris may have been prior to ending his life.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, but this time with a different slant: there is NOTHING in this life worth taking your own for. There are people who care about you that you may or may not be familiar with. I am one of them. Hey, I have problems – BIG problems. Recent developments in my life have shaken the very foundation of my being. I have been questioning my place in both the Army and in life. But no matter how much I’m beat down, nothing will convince me that taking my life will make it better. Likewise, taking your life will not make the reasons for wanting to do so go away.

To those of you out there who may be hurting and contemplating hurting or killing yourself, I want to reiterate something I’ve said before; please contact me. I promise you I know where you are. I’ve had someone die in my arms trying to bring them back to life. I’ve lost friends in combat. I’ve had to shoot the enemy and had the unfortunate opportunity to be forced into shooting an innocent human shield. I’ve been racked with guilt (not regret) for nearly six years. I’ve been blown up, shot at, hit in the armor, and placed in situations in which I made my peace with God and silently told my family goodbye – three times!

I know that you may feel like there is no point in going on. I truly do. I’ve often felt like there’s no point in going on myself. Together, we can convince each other of the truth that we are both wrong! My email address is clearly displayed on the sidebar. I will give you my personal phone number and I will even go AWOL to be with you if I am your only hope for life. I will find a way to get to you. There are people with a personal interest in your life. Did you catch that? In your LIFE!

I strongly recommend that you seek help. I recently began the process of seeking help myself. I am a senior non-commissioned officer who is not yet eligible for retirement benefits. I have a lot to lose if the military does not keep its word that seeking help for mental health problems, depression, and other emotional challenges will not be demonized. I still have five years left before I’m “safe” but I am seeking the help the military and this country owes me. You can too.

We can’t afford to lose you. Your family and friends need you. Your troops need you. Most of all, though, you need you.

This might sound like a whole bunch of hooey, but I mean every word. If you’re bent on suicide, give me a chance before you make that final, fatal decision. Let me tell you why killing yourself won’t help you and show you what will! To be a little selfish, if you leave me behind, where will I go for help when I need it?

UPDATE: I wanted some spiritual context to this post. Keep in mind, I’m a member for Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, so some of these scriptures may be foreign to you (some critics who have never read the Book of Mormon may be surprised).

I’m blessed with a strong sense of the divinity of life. I wasn’t always that way. But, there’s a great scripture in Alma 37:47 that goes like this:

47 And now, my son, see that ye take care of these sacred things, yea, see that ye look to God and live.

In this scripture the Lord is basically saying that all things can be accomplished if we look to God. Romans 12:12 says that we should rejoice in hope, be patient in our challenges and tribulations and constantly maintain a prayer in our heart (paraphrased). He will not give us any challenge that He does not think we can handle. PTSD sucks to all hell and it’s hard to hope sometimes, but the scriptures definitely tell us that we must rejoice in it. We can’t give up hope.

Nothing we face in this world, no matter how difficult it may seem to us even compares to the trials and tribulations our Savior went through. He has felt every bit of our pain and He only asks that we appreciate that and do our best to honor that sacrifice. We won’t get better overnight.

This war will one day be over and if it’s not, we will one day retire. That is where the patience comes in. The good news is that we don’t have to retire. We don’t have to exercise patience for years. We can get help NOW. There are people around us NOW that help us overcome our obstacles, both physical and mental.

Jacob taught, “Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions.” (Jacob 3:1)

The Lord gives us a spirit of hope and a feeling of comfort and confidence that we can overcome the obstacles we face. He has shown the way to gain strength during our struggles. With His assistance, we have the ability to succeed. Not everyone suffering from PTSD or feelings of suicide have a belief in God. To those people, I revert back to my earlier comments that there are people who still care and want to help you. But, I urge to seek help as well from the one man who can help you in the meantime…and He is ALWAYS there!